Halloween Recap!

Hello AOL ghouls and goats, my nam is randall tuhchie. It is true, sometimes I dont get around to posting much. That is because sometimes I get around to getting arrested. NOT MY FAULT! The words ticket and tickle sounds a lot alike when coming out of a cops frothy mouth. But I digest. Anyway, After being in lock up for the weekend, I knewed that I had to make some serious changes in my life. None of which was more important than being able to defecate in front of other men. You know how difficult it is to go potty when people say compliments like, hey sweet breath, I got something to push out of ya (a term for getting out of lock up rather quickly for good behavior)? Well, You know how it is, randall always finds a way to brighten up any situation. While i was in the clincker, I thought it would be good to paint a mural on the wall. So i gathered up all the mashed potatoes and gravy, fishsticks and feces I could carry in one hairnet and set about painting a lovely picture of my grandfather's Fredric Ulrich's pig farm. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! Leonardo (ninja turtle) couldnt have painted it better. I christened it with a lovely caption F.U. Pig's. Man, did the wardens have a field day with that. they started hooting and hollering and dancing with all the inmates. Real slow like to! You know how in those movies from the 50's (look who's talking too) where the man holds the lady real tight like and she dont want a kiss, but she does? Then the baby starts talking all funny like? THAT'S HOW IT WAS! All the guards started holding all the prisoners real tight like. In fact, on guards came up to me and said so sweetly, "GET THE F*CK ON THE GROUND DIRTBAG". I said to him, "sir, you havent even asked me for my name, why would I want to lay down with you" (secretly did, played hard to get). Well, He thought I was being a wiseguy cause he asked me, "YOU BEING A WISEGUY YOU F*CKING RETARD?" I said to him, "you had me at..."

I said, "You had me at..." cause i didnt get to finish my sentance. Bummer too, cause I was gettin really wet (slang for getting ready to kiss under the slanket). JUST THEN, a fellow inmate threw a toilet seat over the guards head. WFT? I knew that people were getting ready to kiss and all, but the party got out of hand when they played this air siren to break up the dance party. Well well well, I'll have you know that I didnt want to leave the jail party so soon, but my cellmate, Uncle Chewey said, "Randy, we got to get the F8CK out of here."

I knewed it, MY PAINTING OF FREDERIC ULRICH'S PIG'S, was just the thing to get me out of jail on good behavior because before I knewed it Uncle Chewey grabbed me and said, "we're getting out of here". You know, a lot of people criticize american jails, but I tell you that only in america can a rapist of elderly women, waiting to be sentenced to prison can get out through a hole cut in the fence on good behavior. I mean, talk about reform.

Chewey said he needed to find a late 80's delta 88, cause that was the easiest to hot-wire (slang for streaming internet radio). We'll we found his car but I guess he forgot his keys cause one fell swoop of his gigantic gang tattooed forearm and the window busted into a million pieces. "We'll" I said, "That's one way to make an enterence". He chucked and said "shut up fag, get in the car".

We'll we drove for a while until we started seeing all these little kids in all these sexy costumes walking around. Sexy Hannah Montanna's, sexy mummies, sexy ghouls and goats. I knewed it! IT WAS HALLOWEEN! Quick I said, "turn around". Chewey said, "you're the boss", and I said "Ha, TONY DANZA!" and before I knewed it, my head was smashed up against the wall as the delta 88 was turning on a dime and hitting all these little manequines standing in the road. GREAT HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS. LITTLE GHOULS AND GOATS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD? I LOVE HALLOWEEN. I calmed myself and told Chewey about my sister pepper's halloween party at my grandma's. Chewey must have an itch on his inner thy cause he started scratching it for about 10 minutes while saying "mmmmm yeah. Been in the jail too long".

We'll needless to say that thanks to the american jail that didnt ask for our clothes back, we had halloween costumes!

It was around dusk when we got to gramdma's party. We showed up and everyone loved our costumes. Pepper told me, "randall, what the fuck are you doing here". I said to her, "Hold the potty, potati. I got off on good behavior for painting a mural of Fredrick's pig farm." She laffed and said randall, THAT WAS YOU? I said to her, "you got a thing against rent-a-center art?" She laffed again and said, "you was always the artist in the family". She also explained to me that for reasons I would not understand, "I had to lay low", (slang for crab walking) "for a while". I said ok and started crab walking to the potty. I had to go real bad, so I opened the door from the ground with my foot and saw grandma going potty". She yelled out, "someone's in here sweety, I'll be just a minute". I said, "cool your jets, ciggarettes, I'll use pepper's potty".

So I crabwalked down the hall and kicked open peppers potty. Man, some women have too many things. There was all this make-up and hair brushes, and pepper's baby, EVERYWHERE! So being that it was halloween, I started putting on pepper's clothes and he underwear, and her make up and put the baby under the sink. I noticed an envelope called "mamogram" and in it was an x-ray vision photo of a pepper's boob. We'll after I washed my hands, I tried to incorperate it into my costume, but just couldnt figure out how to. Well, the next thing I know, the doorbell rings and from out the window I can see a whole gang of police man costumes flashing their lights all up and down the yard. Taking pepper's advice (crab-walking) and my desire to actually have a good costume this year, I crabwalked over to her room and grabbed a white sheet (except for red stain) and threw it over me. I peeped out one of the man holes and guided myself out into the living room where the police costumes had drawn their squirt guns on Uncle Chewey. I shouted, "dont take chewey away" (jokingly) and pepper told me to "be quiet". So sitting there in the crab walking position, I watched the police costumes and chewey act out a fight scene. Oh man, they must have been training for such a long time for this scene. Well, they eventually wrestled him to the ground.

As they acted out a great scene in where chewey was taken away by the police costumes, one of them turned to me and said, "cute kid, I'm sorry you had to see this little buddy." He reached into his pocket and handed be a blowpop. i said "YUMMY".

After a few days, pepper tol me i could come out of the pantry and that it was ok if I wanted to crash at her friends place. i said sure, "BUT WHO IS GUNNA FEED MY KITTY RADISH?" She said, randall, it's ok, we got you covered.

So as i looked into her eyes i thought, jeez world, with all the problems facing health care, funemployment, and other thinngs growed-up talk about on aol, it's nice to know that the america in that house, that night, was stronger than Uncle Chewey's grip on his fake blood pouch squirting out of his chest.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

What is kids into these days?

Hi AOL, it is me, your feind Randall Tuhchie. Soory I havent blogged(slang for when I am not looking at puddingfart.com) in a while. You know, if you are like me and often get your foot caught in the toilet, then you know that you definately have time throughtout the day to think about kids and how fashions come and go. Now I know what you are thinking and, well AOL, you cant just sit on the swigset at your local elementary school all day(helpfull hint, set up survelence camera with real film.) So how does a real person, who works a gureling 12 hours a week, like me have time to learn about all the kids fashions these days. Well, I will tell you what Sex in the sity, you have to really like kids to know just what these kids is into these days. Take for instance the other day. I was cutting off a piece of the AIDS quilt to make a dog blanket for the return of my dog turnip(away at some dog shelter called youth-in-eyes) and I happened to be approached by two kids who very nicely asked me, "what the fuck in gods name did I think I was doing", well, my first instinct was to pretend I was specially handicapped retards. I started "duh"ing and "der"ing, and peeing myself to no avail. they sawed right through it. Well, i said to them, "think fast" and threw my 42oz big gulp at em. well, it's a good thing I had it AOL, cause as soon as it bashed over the little girls head I was running down the street like the time my mommy(dead) told me to run to the neightbors house and call the cops(forgot to call cause was distracted by my friend fava bean playing mickey mousecapades for the Nintendo Entertainment System, GREAT GAME ASS*HOLES!). Well as I was running away from the cops, I happened to duck into an american apparel shop. I musta had all the hottest trends cause everyone was staring at me and you know that I know I am a hot stud. Well, alter i pulled my pants up, i heard heard some teen with smallish breasts say, "who let the tranny in." Well, I must say, I have never been called a tranny(slang for what I can only assume means transitional fashion guru) before. I could feel a surge of energy rush through me. It encapuslated my every move. It was only halted by some punk who said to me, sir, would you please get your crotch off the register?" I mean how rude? If Patrick Swazye's corpse came flapping his gyrating, rotting corpse into the american apparel and asked for change for the bus by pulling out a roll of quarters from his undies, I bet that man wouldnt have said the same thing to him. RACIST!!!!!

Anyway, as I was being led out of the dressing room by the most hamsomest security guard ever, mr. salvio, I came up with some great idea's for just what kids is into these days.

without further ado, I present Randall's guide to just what kids is into these days.

1. Kids love to be adventurous and try on all sorts of clothing. Let them discover what fashion means to them. Place piles of underwear in the living room, and send out invitations that say things like, "for a hot time(heater broken), come watch my kid try on all sorts of panties." Your friends will be sure to head over. dont let them leave with the children. they always try to do that.

2. Dont ever discourage a child from being able to choose their own clothes, for those ealy years are times of great discovery in what it means to be yourself.... unless it's something completely f*cking faggy.

3. Know that at some point, parents and kids(teens) push away from each other and often need room. This stage is crucial for a child to develop leadership roles amongst their peers. Duct tape them to the floor and scream at them that they are going to watch fresh prince of bell air with you as part of family bonding time.

4. Don't be scared that you child may be the envelope pusher you weren't when you were a child. It is imperative that you act in a loving way and truly support their way, no matter how fucking stupid they look bumming change with their crusty dog near pioneer courthouse square.

5. Dinosaurs

6. With all these social networking site these days, it's easy to know what kids are into. Still, no of these compare to good old fecal spoon smooshin.

7. basements. the more locked the better.

8. All of these tests coming our of Harvard and Yale and university of phoenix are no match for good old detective work. No matter how we might try, kids just ARENT into vegetables. If kids wont get into your van for questioning for empirical data such as, "what's hot and what's not", wear a mask(dont let them know you are their parents) and try things like candy, easy cash, or a chance to get back at their boyfriend/girlfriend.

9. It's often noted that one can determine what a child is into these days by determining what they ARE NOT into. It should be noted that a child can survive many days without water.

10. Understand that every child is a temple and deserves the same rights to privacy that you do. These times are especially important to a child and need to be understood. Rightly so, if they are bothering you during your special time, tell them to go them to go the F*CK AWAY AND NOT DISTURB DADDY WHEN HE IS MAKING NOISES IN THE POTTY.

I hope that helps you to just know what kids is into these days. as always, I is your friend Randall Tuhchie and I encourage you to keep looking up(stars).

"thank you for gettin to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

HELLO Future AOL ME

Hi there fellow AOLers,

it is me, your sex in the sity friend Randall. You know when I am not thinking about grandpa's corpse shooting out of the ground and grabbing my ankles, I often wonder what the future will be like for me. I sometimes sit in a dark porta-potty, close my eyes, and imagine that the smell encompassing my wadded up clothing is actually the residual odor as a result of the chemical exchange that powers the flux capacitor. The porta-potty starts it slow delayed rumble, the air becomes heavy. I cant stop sweating. A fan kicks on from somewhere behind me as air starts to circulate in a whooshing noise. BLAM, at first. A violent rumble ensues. SPARK, BUZZZZZZ EYERYWHERE! Lights are flashing and blinking all around me. I take a deep gulp of my big gulp and wipe my forehead with a McDonalds moist towelette. The countdown begins. I am not alone. Michael J Fox and Doc, sitting on each side of me, look deeply into my eyes and triple kiss me, "randall, where we're going, there are no roads".

2185 here we come! By now the lingering words of those two is almost obscured by the noise generated from the time-potty. BLAM, BOOSH, WIZZO. Doc looks over and shouts, "Randall, DO IT! YOU HAVE TO HIT THE...".

The what? Hit the what?

Damn it, all those years of training for this event and now I cant remember what I learned in class (7-11 parking lot).

WHAT THE HELL COULD HE MEAN?

I look around the room, what the hell is Doc referring to? WHAT COULD IT BE?

Urinal?

No...

Urinal Cake?

No...

Weird pole that exhausts potty gas that build up?

NO!

Out of the corner of my eye, I see it.

OF CORSE! The the transvaporational purell thyme machine button!!!!

I am fighting horrific forces pinning me to my seat. Somehow, for some reason I manage to stand up and slam my open palm onto the Purell Dispencer, shooting Purell K-Y jelly all down my leg. BAMMMMMMMMM!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzooooozzzzzzo...................

The room goes silent. We're here, we're here! WE'RE HERE!

I kick the door open and scream, "I HAVE DONE IT! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!".

...but as I pull up my pants, the only future voice I hear is the present day man in a hard hat waiting in line. He raises an eyebrow and says to me, "yeah buddy, we all shit... I'm just glad yer finally off the fucking pot." He pushes me aside as he lets out a gigantic fart as if inching out a grill cheese sandwich. As the man swings a lumbering arm to open my thyme machine, I peer inside a closing door to see no Doc... No Michael J. Fox...

I am alone, my thoughts of occupancy, now vacant.

Where am I in this cold cruel world? What can I of today tell future me?

This is main topic of today's post. What if there is a way for me to tell future me something? Well my AOL friends, I have found a way. There is a website called futureme.org in which you can write your future self an email and specify the date in which it will be sent.

What follows is the letter to myself, to be delivered in 2185.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Hello future AOL me,

it is me, past randall tuhchie. If you are getting this email, then the home cryogenic machine (deep freezer) that you and acorn built has worked. If everything has gone right, then at this point I will pause and allow you to drink from your genitals. The future is great isn't it?

How is the future treating you? Did the lunchables you buried in the backyard go bad? Hopefully not cause if the future is anything like Ashton Kutchers "butterfly effect", then you know that that movie IS SO WRONG WHEN IT COMES TO THYME TRAVEL. YOU JUST GOT PUNKED(dont know what that means).

Did you learn how to reanimate your kitty peppercorn (named after pepper and acorn)? Hopefully so, cause if the cops found a corpse in a freezer with a shit ton of dead kitties piled on top of it, someone has got some splainin to DO! (acorn arrested).

What advice gan I give to a man (me) that already knows so much.

Well, remember when you was a kid and got would hump ping-pong balls in the closet when mom(dead) was away? That's not what I want to tell you about. BUT IT SURE IS FUNNY!

What I want to tell you is that I secretly buried 90,000 ketchup packets, and if all goes as according to planets, they are still burried in the your back yard... or as it is known in the future, an ancient and sacred cat burial ground. (see map)

this is important because the ketchup packets should be worth millions of billions of dollars, since there will be a ketchup shortage in the future.

You can thank me for that one later.

Well. I suppose thats all for now future me. I hope you have learned your fucking lesson.

One last thing future me. what's it like? are they're flying cars? robotic prostitues? Dogs that lick your anus clean after you potty? Trying to work the kinks out of the last one. Please find a way of contacting me... please.

I await your reply. You are our only pope.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Another Day Another Doll Hair (Target) and Family Matters

Well Well Well, AOL. I just punched out of my new job and christ almighty, what a f*cking day. It's not to say that working in the diaper section of target is bad, but it's that ever since chris and I broke up. I have had such an awkward time meeting women. You know that thing where you date an ugly girl for a day and then break up with her so you can get with a real woman with two boobs? Well, after breaking up with chris for her cheating on me with some guy she kept crying about called Genral Herbies, I thought the women would come crawling up randalls pole(slang for a polish man). I COULDNT BE MORE WRONG SEX IN THE SITY! Dont get me wrong, Target has great women just ripe for the old spatula and bean dip(trying to learn how to talk dirty), but for the most part, women just say to me "Hey Randall, some kid pooped under a mossimo shirt rack," or "Hey you fucking asshole, this is a womens bathroom"(Apparently, slang for potty). Well, I tell you what sex in the sity, when it comes to women, I am like a sexual camelback.

Why is women so hard to understand?

Just the other day I was stocking extra large pampers with shit guard for the fat f*ck babies when carla from home decor came up to me. I mean, she is a nice african american women, but I dont really have a thing for women over the 350 dollar mark. She is always saying things like, "Hey Randall" and "Randall, you are so funny" and punches me in the arm, but I always tell her, "carla, I aint tell no joke!" She justs laffs anyway and punches me in the arms, and I inevitably knock over a stack of huggies. DANG IT CARLA, I DONT LIKE YOU. But she dont care, she justs laffs away at everything I do. Last week, I asked if anyone was going to eat the mustard packets in the fridge and she just started laffing away, "randall, you is too cute" and "randall, I would make a man outa you any day". Oh well, wen old randall does decide to bound and gag (very into something called S&M&M's) the future miss tuhchie, I will make a real woman out of the F*CKING CHEATING SLUT, and give her a good home with stolen cable and a real pull out couch on which we can conceive(still learning) not borrowed children we can call ours. Oh well, until then, it's like the old saying , "another day, another doll hair".

Aside from the grueling schedule of 24 hours a week, not all has been bad. Today papper came to see me at my job. I realized how much this woman meant to me when we were returning a couple of Xbox 360s I helped her cram in her sweatpants the night before. She grabbed the cash, stuck it in her bra and said, "wow randall, look at you, all growed up". I was blowed away. A tear jerked out of my eye hole and ran down my face. I lied and told her I was alergic to toilet duck. She laffed and said, "it's ok randall, I know how much family means to you, now lets get going, I have to remember what isle I stashed the baby in." Wow AOL, until then, I just though of family as something that you bailed out of jail, or just people you sold cars to that broke in half when they drive away, but at that moment, when pepper was deciding whether or not to buy some glittery scrunchies at the one spot, I knewed that family was more than that. Family is someone who is there for you, through thick(chris) and thin(drunken night with pepper), through the good times(target) and the bad times(hardees). Family is thicker than blood stains, family is a way of life.

I know AOL, this one was short, but I am a little too choked up.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Where have I been and FALL FASHION GUIDE!!!!!

Well hello AOL. I know I know I know, you are mad at me. You are like, randall, you fucking retard, why the hell havent you called me on the internet webpage you update, and I am like SHUT THE F*CK UP DAD. Well, to answer your question, I have been so sad lately. A few weeks ago, chris (hotty with a body, drinks a lotty, and breaks the toilet in my house when she goes potty) and I broke up. Well, I assume it's for the best beause she was was getting to controling like, "we're you following me home last night" and " randall, we are not dating, I am a prosthetic". You know the old saying, "women, cant live with them, so cut a hole in the wall and watch em". Anyway, after the break up I got all depressed, didnt eat nothing, then ate too much. I gained a bunch of weight and lost it the next moringing when I went pee. The real kicked was seeing her at hardees hitting on pedro the guy who works the counter. Man, I'd like to punch that SH*THEAD in his pretty face. OH, IM THE HARDEES BEST EMPLOYEE AND I HAVE THE LEAST STAINED UNIFORM, SO NATURALY I GET TO WORK THE COUNTER AND HIT ON ALL THE HOT PREGNANT MOMS THAT COME IN FOR CHEDDAR MELTS TO GO. I mean, why does chris have to make out with him in from of me? She will kiss him and get finger banged (slang for thumb wrestle) RIGHT IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS! Well, it's ok, I knewed I had to move on, so I decided I would leave the appropriate and professional way. Which, is a good thing cause if it werent for Pepper getting me a job at Target, I dont think I would have been able to explain the draino bomb that went off in the womens potty on my last day. Thank god for managers who dont check references.

So now I have been working at target. WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT! I stock the dairy section and pull a few shifts a week stocking diapers and fatty pregnant ladies pants. I must say, it seems like the sky is the limit with target! Plus, I get to eat all the hot dogs, soda and popcorn they throw out at the end of the night! Yeah, they never lock the dumpsters.

So that's where I have been, if you must keep fucking asking me. I've been the same randall, who despite hardships, keeps looking to the starz for inspiration. With that, I present Randall Tuhchie's FALL FASHION GUIDE.

1. Muffin tops are so not in right now. Keep sucking down that pepsi untill you reach bread loaf tops.

2. Ladies, ladies, ladies, how many times has this happened to you? You get all hot and heavy with a guy and you want to change your underware after a steamy dry humping session? When you go to take a serious dump in the shitter, the guy walks in and sees your granny panties all wadded up in the sink? Old underware can create a sagging look in your sweatpants. Donate those GPs to a local charity, like goodwill, volunteers of america, or a funny dog video you record and post to youtube.

3. Socks and sandals are a serious no-no unless you are legless and you use both as a conversation piece.

4. One of the toughest challanges is slimming the torso while supporting a larger chest. This is an especially sensitive topic and should be handled on a case by case basis. Send pictures of your chest to me, randall tuhcie, as well as a description of what the perfect first date scenario might be.

5. Kindness never goes out of fashion. With that, would you kindly move your fucking stroller out of the way, as I need to order my god damn burrito and get back to my netflicks instant play.

6. Dogs are great and compliment personalities. However, you should note that dogs arent just fashion accesories, they are sole mates and friends for life... especially for older single lesbians with no chance of reproducing anytime soon.

7. As the seasons change around this time, remember that just because the air might have a slight chill to it doesnt mean that you have to start wearing more clothes and hang up those booty shorts just yet. It does however, mean you'll have to stop visiting the childrens ward at St. Judes.

8. Health is just as important as fashion these days, and staying fit is one of the most fashionable things you can do for yourself. Cut down to only three quarts of Dreyers Double churn a night and say hello to a new you.

9. Every girl needs a bag! just make sure you carry alkohol in one when on the street, you can get a ticket if you dont. been there done that.

10. Remember that the most important fashion tip is knowledge. Books can make anyone seem way sexier. Nothing says sexy like someone reading a copy of Big Bouncys hidden behind "the grapes of wrath".

Well AOL, thanks for understanding my abscence. I hoped you will take my fall fashion advice and stop being a fatty uggo face!

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Dino theme park

Wayne Garcia anagrams, I luv U

WAYNE GARCIA ANAGRAM LIST

ANAGRAMS FOR "WAYNE GARCIA"

1. ARCANA YE WIG
2. RACEWAY GAIN
3. RACEWAY GINA
4. GARCIA WAYNE
5. GARCIA AWN YE
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135. CIA AGE AN WRY
136. CIA EGAN WARY
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250 million and a chance at not being on meth

Well hello there sex and the sity, it's me again, the randall tuhchie. Now I know I got some "splanin" to do (I love lucinda reference), but bear in mind that I now have a new job and it's not every other day that I get to call in drunk. Speaking of work, I need to make a phone call. brb.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, I wanted to let you know what i have been up to as of late. Some of you catch my tweets on some AOL software called AOL, but for those that arent always catching the up to the minute randall updates on someone's lost iphone, I just wanted to catch you up. Nothing really, just texting from the potty when my manager lets me get a 6 minute break. Ok, now that we are up to speed, here is the randall world.

I was eating some american cheese that got burnt on the bottom of the oven when my GF chris told me that only retarded babies lay on the floor. I blewed her a kiss and she farted somewhat near my head. She told me to paint a picture cause it would last longer (foreplay). She is got the voice of a sexual husky and the heavenly wafting aroma of a healty digestive track chok full of cheddar melts. I tell you what sex in the sity, she is something dreams (the good ones without grandpa) are made of. Now I know what you are thinking and, well I have to say, please stop interupting my microphone to computer dictation software. I know, it seems like all I do is wash my underware in the sink and work all day, but to tell you the truth, I have been waiting to get back to you my sweeties. For I know that after a long hard day of spending most of the day hiding in the tube slide (legs get tired from bracing myself against the walls), you my sexy in the sity friends are the thing that helps me to vent.

Well after chris farted and the health inspector was done inspecting the "meat curtains" (dont get it cause there aint no windows) in the freezer with my bestest GF in randalls world, I had the task of scraping theold mice off the glue traps. No problemo though, I found a flat metal handled device near the stove. easy peasy chineasy, done and done.

Eventually, chris and the sweaty inspector came out and all way ok, we didnt get our license revoked. Which is good, cause I need this new job cause I am saving up to geet my dog turnip out of some dog jail called youthanized. I'M COMING FOR YA GIRL!

After intercourse(meal between meal around 10:00am), I decided to take an early lunch. Well sex in the sity, I decided to go get a bag of crunch and munch and a suicide fountain drink at the the local Texaco gas station (It's good to support local business). Well I was coming out of the turcker showers when this rude lady with no teeth and toilet paper hanging out her low cut 501's pushed her baby to the front of the line and was being pretty rude to the f*cking troll behind the counter. Now I know what you are thinking and no i did not steal a gallon of milk, but I just felt like i had to do something. I said "hey lady, look who has your baby". She screamed and threw a charlston chew at my head but it hit my leg and it only cost me 1D6 of damage to my zubazz exoskeleton. NICE TRY LADY! You know I just hate it when people make other people feel less than cuban. That's why i took the baby and ran. I ran so hard and so fast i thought my floppy bunny slippers were gunna catch on fire. I ran across the parking lot and threw the baby in the rear passanger window of a car that was driving away. "Touchdown!" I yelled and high fived a guy washing windows. The lady, faining tears, ran after the car down the street. I thought to my self, "randall, if you were a super hero, and not the kind that can transfer the contents of his bladder into evil villans, but the good kind, than fella, you are closer to being him than ever before.

At this point I pulled up my pants (around ankels) and went to pay for my, as Lynn Rosette O'Casper calls em, fucking homless people food. Mmmmm Mmmm, I couldnt wait to bust open my crunch and munch and take the bus home. But before that, i had to pay. I got back in line and there was another lady that was in front of me. It was so sad, sex in the sity. She was on meth drugs and she had an awful voice that sounded like 100 kittens being burried alive in the crawl space of your house (please remember to spay and nuter your pets). She was returning pop bottles for a few bucks. Instead of buying some food for her baby, or a gallon of half and half, she decided to do the smart thing and buy a lotto ticket. i mean, come on... this lady had her priorities in check. With powerball currently at 250 million, I wish I had a whole wheeled wire basket full of pop bottles so that I could get this lady another 2 dollar ticket/250 million dollar wish. Just so she could get off of meth drugs.

After I paid for my suicide and crunch and munch, borded the bus, and began mindlessly chatting with the pople in the handicapped seats, I thoughted to myself, what if... what if I had a chance to go for something bigger. I know, I stole a baby and threw it into a moving vehicle, but that's pocket changed when compared to wishing upon a star to get off of meth.

On the way home we passed a homeless man after homeless, carrying bags and bags of can. No, not just cans, but can-portunities... can-portunities to leave their tired ways behind and move closer to that setting sun the 9 bus to gresham city center was heading into.

Beautiful People have such hard times in life

Well well well, if it isnt me, randall tuhchie. GREETINGS AOL! I know, you all have been yearning for more randall, but life these days has been hard with my new job at Hardees, GET IT? HARD AT HARDEES? Oh dang, I knewed it made you laff.

Anyway, like I was saying I have been so busy cleaning up potty in the ball pit and rinsing out the rags in the some bucket labeled milkshakes(sp?), but the worst of all has been dealing with the some of the employees? Why is it that only beautiful ladies work at hardees? I mean, I walked in there te first day and I could hardly believe my one non-pink eye. It was like I had died an gone to heavens gate.

Now I know hat you think old randall is a lady charmer, but I have to disagree with that thought only because most women ugly or not whisper things to me like, "hey randall, some kid pooped in the urinal" or "Jesus Randall, use a rag in the urinal." When I try to talk back to them, they walk away or tell me to get out of the bushes and put my hands behind my head and lay on the ground (hard to get).

What's really weird about working at a place with some many beautiful women like hardees is that most of these people want to hang out with me Randall Tuhchie. Take, for instant, the hotty pictured above, Chris. What a looker. and you know what AOL? That lady and I did something that I only imagined my parents doing in the kitchen when I'm hiding in the pantry. She made randall into the man you see type before you. Now it's true that I had others before, but none that knewed a man's body so well. Now i know what your thinking and it's not just some wham bam thank you man thing kind of night... she really likes me too. Which is good cause with all these empty mcdonalds bags around the house, this place could really use a woman's touch. Now, being the gentleman I am, I dont kiss and tell without telling you from the beginning how I caught this sexual trout (slang for "hotty with a body").

Two days ago, I went in for my orientation, learning how to make what my manager calls the perfect "bacon ranch fries", when Chris, who was taking out the old fry grease 55 gallon barrel with one arm asked me if I could open the door for her. Well, before I could even say, "you are so sensual..." she kicked open the back door herself with a steel toed Doc Martin and said ever so sweetly, "you deaf you fucking retard?" I tell you what AOL, shakespear himself couldnt has written cliff notes better. My heart raced and I knewed that this troll face (slang for person who waits under bridges to steal someone's heart. i.e. homeless killer). "Well", I thought to myself, "heaven must be sad tonight cause this angel has certainly taken a rascall down the love elevator and into my heart". For the second I saw her, i knewed she would be mine.

My boss Skippy, some teenage punk who spends most of his time on his nokia blabbing about how he promises his GF that he will remove his work clothes before he gets into bed (as to not transfer the Au Jus smell onto the day bed), was fixing up a mean batch of chili for the chilie cheese burger. Well, he told Chris to "go watch over the new retard" (must be some handicapped to work program), and before I knewed it, Chris was helping me fill the ketchup bottles. Oh man, the way her veiney palms clutched the ketchup squeeze bottles made me thirst for a tall drink of chris. well, AOL, I knew I had only seconds to act, so I remembered what my dad said to me as a you boy and asked Chris on a date. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "how much for a BJ(Beautiful Jaunt, possibly through a park or bowling alley)"? Well, she looked at me, raised a half inch thick eyebrow and said, "meet me after work at your place".

My gosh, my heart raced, for one fleeting second as she turned her thick V-shaped upper torso around I felt a wash over me of complete bliss. It was only rudely interupted by Skippy asking my to go hydrate more onions for the six dollar thick burger. The world might be calling my my hands to work for a $7.40 and hour, but my mind, my body, and my soul were given up to Chris. Beautiful, Beautiful, Chris. She was like a burlap sack of Anacondas, writhing under her yellow and red smock. She had won over my Hardees Thick Burger (slang for heart), for sure.

I watched the clock in anticipation and as soon as 11:00pm, I threw down my tray of burgers to be tured into chilli for tomorrow and ran out the door. Skippy yeled something about being flyered, but i payed no attention to it as I grabbed my BMX bike and raced home.

I had no sooner lit some candels, flushed the toilet, and set up my playststion (resident evil), when the doorbell rang. It was Chris, and boy was she looking hot in her red and yellow smock and ranch french fry perfume.

"mmmm" I said, "I want to serve you on the dollar menu all week."

She giggled, "punch me in the shoulder" (ouch) and walked inside.

We sat on the carpet remnetns as I unpaused resident evil (know all the hidden object) when I went for the gold and tried to smooch her. She tenderly placed a hairy palm on my face and said the sweetest things I have ever heard a woman say to another human, "hey buddy, cash first". I know she makes more than me at Hardees, but I assume she just wanted some cash for gas, like any fine lady would. I opened up my hello kitty wallet and grabbed the six dollars and mountain dew "buy one get one free" cap I had won earlier in the week. Well, my act of kindness must have paid off because not more than 30 seconds after letting out a big sigh, she was showing me something she called her "9 inch clitortise". Well, this is the part, i will leave up to you AOL, but I must say, she really knew how to treat a man.

3 minutes later I didnt have a care in the world, for I knew that Chris (hotty) and my Peach mango snapple were all I needed at that moment.

Then it hit me, i knew I had to ask, "chris", I said, "why is all the beautiful people in the world have such a hard life". She giggled, punched my in the arm (broken) and said, "randall, you got a lot to lean about life".

She was right, i did have a lot to learn. After she drove her 4X4 with gun rack home, I thought to myself, "I do, I do have a lot to learn". I, randall tuhchie do have a lot to learn about life, women, work, and AOL friends. That's where you cme in. As I learn all about life, I am going to share it with love. For now i leave you with Chris' last words to me, "Randall, is that cat dead?"

Aol, i ask you... "is it"?

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Ask Randall (*Updated August 12th)

Hello my fellow AOLers,
It's me, you favorite Blogger Randall Tuhchie. You know what? Everday I open my AOL gmail and am amazed at the tens of questions I get everyday from people all over the ethercord. Well, I am here to tell you that I, randall harry tuhchie, am here to answer you're questions. All you have to do is simply submit your questions via AOL gmail to me randall (dot) tuhchie (at) gmail (dot) com and I will get to your questions as soon as I can.
I know what you are thinking, "Hey randall, nice sweater you fucking creep." Well let me tell you that I have had many years of experience of cort ordered therapy and other miscellaneous supervised counseling sessions. As a patient, I have learned all the tricks of the trade and I can weasel out of any situation. Please note that in all honestly there is nothing you can tell me that will weird me out, or make me call the cops under any circumstances. My only request is that you treat me this way too.
Lastly, I want to mention that it it also important to note that your submissions are completely disguised, you name given an acronym that describes your situation, and you name will not be revealed at anytime... unless it is something funny like you farted and burped at the same time (a golden apple) or fell asleep during Schindlers list. classic comedy. TOO MUCH HOOCH AND NATURES MIRACLE (full of natural enzymes), BEEN THERE DONE THAT!
So thank you in advance,

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" - ask randall tuhchie

Mary Roberston of 1672 NE Glammen St, Portland OR 97211 wrote:

"hey randy,

GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE A FUCKING INSANE CREEP AND IF YOU DONT STOP EMAILING AND CALLING ME, MY BOYFRIEND IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU"

Most Anxious Reply Yearns Repeatedly On Beating Ears, Randall, Thou Sexual O' Nightingale

M.A.R.Y.R.O.B.E.R.T.S.O.N.,

Let me first start by calming your actions of being thrust into rage. Do you often experience these notions of anger? Have you ever drawn a pee pee with the use of alpha numeric characters? 8=====D~~~ yes, I see.
What you are experiencing is something that we all go through. It's perfectly normal. While one might think of oneself as in between two worlds, the good you and the bad you, I like to tell people to think of themselves as the sort of garden of all different vegetables. You know? It's sort of fun to imagine. Over here we have a little rutabaga, over here we have a little Elvis Costello, and over here we have some baby clothes. You see what I mean?
Now I noticed in your question, you mentioned "my boyfriend". "My boyfriend". What does that phrase mean to you? Let me see if I can help illuminate on this subject. In your question you keep saying "my boyfriend" so much, it makes my my head start to stare at your beautiful, beautiful feet. Let's look at the relationship of just that sentence. Do you feel like there is some ownership here? Do you feel like you are the one in control of the relationship? How well do you Nicholas Hokly of 4338 NE 35th Ave, Portland OR http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=4338+NE+35th+Ave,+Portland,+OR&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=40.681389,67.763672&ie=UTF8&ll=45.554343,-122.628622&spn=0.008805,0.016544&t=h&z=16&iwloc=A&layer=c&cbll=45.554252,-122.628643&panoid=jQ3bu_20W-1l-Ezg7kV3zg&cbp=12,89.25,,0,7.57 Good enough to know that he's no good to you? Good enough to know that he flirst with other women at his place of work? Good enough to KNOW THAT THE F*CKING A**HOLE KEEPS PUSHING ME DOWN AND KEEPS SAYING TO ME THAT I WANT TO EAT HIS BUGGERS!!!! WELL, I DONT WANT TO AND I HATE YOU NICK! I HATE YOU! YOU AINT NO GOOD FOR MARY!

Does that help? Thanks so much. Oh no, I only accept payment before the counseling session.

Randall

"Hey Randall,

This is Jim from work. I know you just started here at Hardees, and I want to be square with you by saying that no one is accusing you of anything. However, upon leaving the employee break room yesterday, a fellow employee noticed that here were some very inappropriate web pages left on the employee computer. While it is ok to use the computer during employee break time, I want to remind you that we abide by an employee conduct code that forbids the viewing of this material on company time. Does that sound ok? I hope so. Thanks randall, see you tomorrow."

Cant Understand Managers Speak On Company Knowledge

Dear C.U.M.S.O.C.K.

What you bring up is no new topic to the world of manager/employee relations, infact many people find themselves in this situation everyday. Lets first start of by addressing your need to blame other for the things you obviously did. What kind of sick f*ck does this? As a professional counselor, I can honestly say you need to stop looking at horse porn at work. Does that help? I hope so.

Randall

"Randy,

did you pee in the icecube tray again? I hates it when you do that. You know I need to fill up my water bottle with ice cubes. I dont wanna never drink your pee again? OKAY?"

Person Eagerly Posts Personal Email, Randall

P.E.P.P.E.R.

My apologies for not getting to this email earlier. Would you like to come over to my house for dinner and watch "dating in the Dark"? All entrees will be gluten, dairy, egg, rice, sulfate, and glutamate free. After the meal there will be an honesty circle, followed by a healing dance (wear something light and flowing). Breakaway co-counseling sessions will start at seven.

This is a shoeless event,
Namaste.

(* Updated August 12th)

Randall.

You ever seent a man die?

Lady.troubles

Thank you for the AOL gmail lady.troubles,

I have never seen a man die, but I have made love to a "real" woman. I imagine it may be the same thing. Does that help? I hope it does.

thanks for the letter,

randall

Well folks, that is all for today, feel free to AOL gmail me and have your question posted on ask randall.

august 6th

Randall's Birthday Recap.

Hello America On Line, stop calling me you fucking pervert (learned that new greeting today). It's me again, Randall Tuhchie. Well, today is August 7th and that means that August 6th was Randall's 37th anniversary of being squeezed out my mom's(dead) v-word. Normally, I am content to sit on the floor and watch Mr. Magoo staring Leslie Neilson, but this last birthday was unlike any I had before.

It all started so fast. One second I was standing in my cutoffs and rollerblades on the corner of 185th and Prescott, eating a bologna and string cheese sandwich just minding my own business. Well the next thing I know a man in a snowmobile suit with a plastic bag over his head falls down in front of me. Being the good Samoan I am, I quickly picked him up and carried him to my bed. I said to him, "this is my chance world, I am going to nurse this man back to health." Well, when I went to go get my breast pump from the closet, low and behold, pepper jumped out and the man with the plastic bag over his head turned out to be friend acorn. I thought the inner thigh birthmark looked familiar. After acorn regained consiousness, pepper and him plus my kitty radish (in heat) sang happy birday then told me they were going to take me out for a night on the town (Lower east side of Gresham). And no america online, the suprises didnt stop there. Pepper had a bag she stole from forever 21 and inside it was a thong, some make up and some knee socks. "Well, well, well", I thoughted to myself, "I better put on my rockports, cause if I am going to be drinking sudafed and vodka slurpies all night, I need all the ankle support I can get."

Pepper decided to drive cause she has the highest tolerence and she has the only car with a babyseat. So it was Pepper and her baby up front, and the two of us in the back. In addition to her tolerence, pepper has a prostetic arm she stole from her kids father when he was drunk and puking in a urinal at the dirty duck. If she gets really intoxicated, she just wedges the arms between the steering wheel and the arm rest, and presto chango, she can drive in a straight line again. While it's good to know your limits America On line, it's best to have a back up plan.

Acorn was huffing gas in the car, so I dont remember much of that ride due to second hand huff, but we cracked the window for the baby. When we arrived I fell out of the car and somehow made it into some club called the ace. That place was a dump, holes in the walls everywhere. Eventually we decided to take off, but when pepper was in a room with some guys she met, I guess she lost her keys. No problem tough, she had a spare set in the glovebox. We just had to cokes the baby into crawling onto the power locks switch. Pepper smooshed a boob over the driverside window, and I told the baby some encouraging things like, "go get some milk you fucking retard". When she finally landed a doughnut and pepsi covered paw on the powerlocks, I threw the gas can out of the way and we were off.

We stopped off at the gas station for a refill and some more slurpie. Acorn went to use the bathroom and ended up wedging himself between the toilet and the stall wall so we put a sign on his passed out body and that said, "I aint staring, I just sleep with my eyes and mouth open. dont mind if you dont."

The second bar we went to was a highschool dance. Pepper and some kid we picked up at the gas station were getting sweaty in the back seat, so I headed in alone. I wasn't dancing for more than a few seconds before I realized everyone was in awe of my sexy, one man slow dance. Before lone the principle came up to me and very cutely asked me what the fuck in god's name I thought I was doing. Seeing that he was turned on by my moves, I threw my arms around him and we danced all the way to the front entrance. As he wapped his muscular arms around my neck and burried my face in his love handle, I couldt help but think things were moving too fast. Well AOL, like all good things they come to an end. He must have been drunk because he was daddy upset and punched me in the jaw. Aw, the good ones are always the ones that push you away into the street.

Feeling sore, my make up running, and my thong with fake penis now torn, we decided to call it a night. Pepper wedged the arm in place slammed on the gas, and once again we were off. What a night, like any other birthday before. I got to hang out with some good friends, masturbated in front of some kids, met a really nice man, and for once in a very long time I had a great birthday.

Before we headed home, we made one final stop at the gas station to get acorn, pull up his pants (must like to sleep with his butt exposed) and threw in in the car.

Back home, pepper and acorn spooned on the carpet remnants and whispered quietly about the amazing night they had. I, laying on my boxspring, eyes agaze at the stary night shinning through my kitchen window, thought of the loving man I met tonight, and slowly inhaled his wild musk (icy hot) still lingering on my forearms.

My eyes grewed heavy, stars faded to glistining streaks, and before long icy hot and I were together again, slow dancing to "Hello Beautiful", kissing with our mouths... in front of shadowy, giggling figures.

randall

Iceberg Lettuce (Michael Jackson and John Merrick)

Cabbage (bridget bardot)

Corn silk hair (Augra)

Artichoke (daddy)

Cayenne Pepper (if you love me, you will make love to me right here, right now)

Cabbage (toothy girl)

Cabbage 2 (electric boogaloo)

Elephant Foot Yam (enjoys car talk)

Kohlrabi face (viagra breath)

Lebanese Cucumber (prefers snorks over smurfs)

Hubbard Squash (thinking about pie)

New Zealand Spinach (corn tooth)

Seakale Hair (Luggage Face)

Asparagus fingers (crypt keeper stand in)

Vidalia Sweet Onion (yeast infection)

Spring Onions (new boobs, same necklace. WTF girlfiend?)

Tatsoi (Kirk Cameron farted)

pumkin tumor (pumkin tumor)

Mange Tout (Lights farts on sundays)

Olive nipples (enjoys rollerblading)

Tomatillo (bologna eyelids)

Mizuna greens (still doesnt own iphone)

Lagos Bologi (wheat grass enema at night)

Lizard's tail (bread loaf sized potty)

Velvet bean (fat elvis)

Japanese Bunching Onions (cant swim)

Parenting tips from a guy who knows kids.

Hello AOL,

In this day in age, I see so many kids walking up and down the street past my house and I think to myself, dang, who is these kids parents? Now I know what you are thinking my fellow best friends, "but randall, does a guy like you even have children?" Well, to be honest, no, unless something happened as a result of the seamen flinging incident. HOWEVER UNTILL ANY PATERNITY TEST COMES IN I DONT HAVE NO KID. This is certainly not to say that one day I dont want to have possesion of some shildren of my own. What man does not want to snuggle on a flowery bedspread thrown over a boxspring with a kid and have him and her give you kisses on the lips? ANSWER ME THAT AOL!

Coming from a great family in which my mom and dad are still together after my mom croaked, I have learned a few things about managing kids the hard and fun way. What I hope will come of this is that you see that I can be a good dad and you will let me babysit your kids when you go on your fancy pants vacation to some mexican resort. I have references. In addition to, if I can pass on what I have learned as a youngin to even expecting parents (please go away) I will finally feel like I have made up for the boise incident.

So, without further ado, I present you you, "Parenting tips from a guy who knows kids"

1. It's often usefull to reinforce positive behavior with treats like ice cream and a towel in front of the house, and to break negative behaviors by using the age old addage, "you gunna cry like a girl? you gunna dress like a girl!"

2. Kids can be messy eaters. Lord knows I was. Dont get upset here and loose your temper. Throw the fucking food on the floor and scream "EAT IT YOU PIG, EAT IT"!

3. Kids can understand a lot from not only what we say, but what you do. So if you are doing something inappropriate in front of the television late at night, put a blanket over you lap and tell them you have a very excited bunny in your shorts. When they ask where the bunny is the following morning, tell them it died cause you little shits kept it up all night.

4. If both parents decide it's okay to get a couple of male prostitues (makes marriage stronger), put a childrens video on the tv like the wiggles, blues clues, or vagaina monalogs, really loud and tell them not to call the cops again if mommy starts to scream.

5. Dinner time is a very important meal in which most information about childrens lives are expressed in a group setting. This is incredibly important and can help parents to truley stay connected with their childrens lives. Tell them to shut the fuck up cause daddy cant hear what the arby's lady is reading back to him.

I know, short and sweet, but hey, I believe these five tips helped me to become the man you see before you. So thanks mom(dead) and dad for helping me to become a great dad, and a great blogger!

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Few things for sale

Well it's me again, your freind Randall.

It has come to my attention that I have to sell a few things that have been building up inside my house. It's funny how fast people collect things you know? Been here only a few months now and the amount of things I have collected has made it impossible for me or my kitties to move around in. Last week, I knew I had a problem when I accidentally sat on the toilet that wasnt hooked up. Not a problem though, Just put some newspaper over it can called it done. It's not to say that I havent tried to clean it before. I called merry maids and the lady who came over introduced herself as Dios Mio. Very lovely traditional mexican name. She was a very nice lady, but she had a horrible work ethic and kept trying to go for the door. I said to her, "Hold up Dios Mio, you havent even touched the potty yet". I think her friend Ayuda showed up cause she hit me with in the head with a plunger and kept scraming for Ayuda (must be deaf) before she hopped out the bathroom window. Well, it's a good thing I didnt pay her cause she only contributed to the mess by leaving all of her cleaning stuff and purse here. So, if you are reading his Dios Mio, please come get your cleaning stuff. Also, dont bother getting your tampons cause i was testing to see how much fruit punch they would absorb out of my juice box. Please by another brand as these things clearly dont hold much ecto-cooler.

Oh yeah AOL, almost forgot. here is a list of things for sale.

One Stove(slightly used). It currently has a spatula melted to the burner, but the spatula does tranfsfer heat quite nicely. Put burger on it and the fat naturally drains off the sloped surface onto the floor.

One bicycle, if I can get around to finding it. Has new wheels, currently missing in house.

One cat, name is radish. Nice cat, does not like to be looked at. Perfect for toddlers or other people with little hands.

Every New York times newspaper from 1955 to present.

cheeseburger

1 high powered vaccume. Currently does not work due to dust buster crammed in hose.

Salad bar from wendys. Took it when they were remodeling, will throw in sterno for extra charge. You haul, will not send through mail, man in kenya. STOP EMAILIN ME YOU FU**ING IDIOT. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH POSTAGE IS?

1 toaster. only works if you place bread in it, and place toaster in 350 degree oven.

4 left shoes. Buy for your one legged friends.

plus a whole lot more, most of which is infested with something called termites(sp?).

That is all for now. email me if you are interested in any of the listed.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Lets get healthy peple

Well, it's meagain, randall.

Since the cort ordered my dog turnip be taken away because of her obesity problem, and that the judge said I have to undergo a serious mental evaluation that includes both health and physical fitness counseling, I have decided to share a few things that I have taught mysel from not taking notes in the class. But before i do, please allow me to rant a little bit cause I think it is unfair not to feed a dog bryers double churn. I mean come on, if the dog didnt want it, it would just go drink out of his water dish, which is filled with mountain dew halo edition. I know i am a bad owner, I ran out of red bull and code red last week. Why does the animal cort feel it is necessary to come out to my property and take away the things that make me and turnip happy. Oh well, I guess I can always turn turnips dog bed into a guest bed.

So on with the show, right AOL?

Aside from the boners I drew in my Lisa Frank note book, here are some things i jotted down in order to make that EFFING B*TCH shut her fat face so I could get my certificate of completed course.

1. Milk should be stored in the fridge, and not in back of toilet.

2. Ignore, picture of boner

3. make at least one meal a day not include pizza

4. vegetables are for gays

5. Dog food is not fit for human or baby consumption, people food should not be given to dogs.

6. it is not okay to milk a dog

7. Only puppies should drink dog milk.

B. (eight key is broken) The guy next to me smells like salami.

9. He does not like to be called Sal Lami

10. free feeding for dogs can often lead to obesity. Rightly so, slicing a bag of kibbles and bits, kicking it over and saying "here boy" is unsanitary and cruel.

Well AOL, I am so glad to be able to pass the mind torche over to you my good friends. I have to sign off now as my niece pepper wants to use the phone to call her boyfriend and I also have to go "wash" some "dishes" in preperation for tomorrows "dinner" of beeferoni and snickers.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie