Hello AOL ghouls and goats, my nam is randall tuhchie. It is true, sometimes I dont get around to posting much. That is because sometimes I get around to getting arrested. NOT MY FAULT! The words ticket and tickle sounds a lot alike when coming out of a cops frothy mouth. But I digest. Anyway, After being in lock up for the weekend, I knewed that I had to make some serious changes in my life. None of which was more important than being able to defecate in front of other men. You know how difficult it is to go potty when people say compliments like, hey sweet breath, I got something to push out of ya (a term for getting out of lock up rather quickly for good behavior)? Well, You know how it is, randall always finds a way to brighten up any situation. While i was in the clincker, I thought it would be good to paint a mural on the wall. So i gathered up all the mashed potatoes and gravy, fishsticks and feces I could carry in one hairnet and set about painting a lovely picture of my grandfather's Fredric Ulrich's pig farm. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! Leonardo (ninja turtle) couldnt have painted it better. I christened it with a lovely caption F.U. Pig's. Man, did the wardens have a field day with that. they started hooting and hollering and dancing with all the inmates. Real slow like to! You know how in those movies from the 50's (look who's talking too) where the man holds the lady real tight like and she dont want a kiss, but she does? Then the baby starts talking all funny like? THAT'S HOW IT WAS! All the guards started holding all the prisoners real tight like. In fact, on guards came up to me and said so sweetly, "GET THE F*CK ON THE GROUND DIRTBAG". I said to him, "sir, you havent even asked me for my name, why would I want to lay down with you" (secretly did, played hard to get). Well, He thought I was being a wiseguy cause he asked me, "YOU BEING A WISEGUY YOU F*CKING RETARD?" I said to him, "you had me at..."I said, "You had me at..." cause i didnt get to finish my sentance. Bummer too, cause I was gettin really wet (slang for getting ready to kiss under the slanket). JUST THEN, a fellow inmate threw a toilet seat over the guards head. WFT? I knew that people were getting ready to kiss and all, but the party got out of hand when they played this air siren to break up the dance party. Well well well, I'll have you know that I didnt want to leave the jail party so soon, but my cellmate, Uncle Chewey said, "Randy, we got to get the F8CK out of here."
I knewed it, MY PAINTING OF FREDERIC ULRICH'S PIG'S, was just the thing to get me out of jail on good behavior because before I knewed it Uncle Chewey grabbed me and said, "we're getting out of here". You know, a lot of people criticize american jails, but I tell you that only in america can a rapist of elderly women, waiting to be sentenced to prison can get out through a hole cut in the fence on good behavior. I mean, talk about reform.
Chewey said he needed to find a late 80's delta 88, cause that was the easiest to hot-wire (slang for streaming internet radio). We'll we found his car but I guess he forgot his keys cause one fell swoop of his gigantic gang tattooed forearm and the window busted into a million pieces. "We'll" I said, "That's one way to make an enterence". He chucked and said "shut up fag, get in the car".
We'll we drove for a while until we started seeing all these little kids in all these sexy costumes walking around. Sexy Hannah Montanna's, sexy mummies, sexy ghouls and goats. I knewed it! IT WAS HALLOWEEN! Quick I said, "turn around". Chewey said, "you're the boss", and I said "Ha, TONY DANZA!" and before I knewed it, my head was smashed up against the wall as the delta 88 was turning on a dime and hitting all these little manequines standing in the road. GREAT HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS. LITTLE GHOULS AND GOATS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD? I LOVE HALLOWEEN. I calmed myself and told Chewey about my sister pepper's halloween party at my grandma's. Chewey must have an itch on his inner thy cause he started scratching it for about 10 minutes while saying "mmmmm yeah. Been in the jail too long".
We'll needless to say that thanks to the american jail that didnt ask for our clothes back, we had halloween costumes!
It was around dusk when we got to gramdma's party. We showed up and everyone loved our costumes. Pepper told me, "randall, what the fuck are you doing here". I said to her, "Hold the potty, potati. I got off on good behavior for painting a mural of Fredrick's pig farm." She laffed and said randall, THAT WAS YOU? I said to her, "you got a thing against rent-a-center art?" She laffed again and said, "you was always the artist in the family". She also explained to me that for reasons I would not understand, "I had to lay low", (slang for crab walking) "for a while". I said ok and started crab walking to the potty. I had to go real bad, so I opened the door from the ground with my foot and saw grandma going potty". She yelled out, "someone's in here sweety, I'll be just a minute". I said, "cool your jets, ciggarettes, I'll use pepper's potty".
So I crabwalked down the hall and kicked open peppers potty. Man, some women have too many things. There was all this make-up and hair brushes, and pepper's baby, EVERYWHERE! So being that it was halloween, I started putting on pepper's clothes and he underwear, and her make up and put the baby under the sink. I noticed an envelope called "mamogram" and in it was an x-ray vision photo of a pepper's boob. We'll after I washed my hands, I tried to incorperate it into my costume, but just couldnt figure out how to. Well, the next thing I know, the doorbell rings and from out the window I can see a whole gang of police man costumes flashing their lights all up and down the yard. Taking pepper's advice (crab-walking) and my desire to actually have a good costume this year, I crabwalked over to her room and grabbed a white sheet (except for red stain) and threw it over me. I peeped out one of the man holes and guided myself out into the living room where the police costumes had drawn their squirt guns on Uncle Chewey. I shouted, "dont take chewey away" (jokingly) and pepper told me to "be quiet". So sitting there in the crab walking position, I watched the police costumes and chewey act out a fight scene. Oh man, they must have been training for such a long time for this scene. Well, they eventually wrestled him to the ground.
As they acted out a great scene in where chewey was taken away by the police costumes, one of them turned to me and said, "cute kid, I'm sorry you had to see this little buddy." He reached into his pocket and handed be a blowpop. i said "YUMMY".
After a few days, pepper tol me i could come out of the pantry and that it was ok if I wanted to crash at her friends place. i said sure, "BUT WHO IS GUNNA FEED MY KITTY RADISH?" She said, randall, it's ok, we got you covered.
So as i looked into her eyes i thought, jeez world, with all the problems facing health care, funemployment, and other thinngs growed-up talk about on aol, it's nice to know that the america in that house, that night, was stronger than Uncle Chewey's grip on his fake blood pouch squirting out of his chest.
"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie
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