HELLO Future AOL ME

Hi there fellow AOLers,

it is me, your sex in the sity friend Randall. You know when I am not thinking about grandpa's corpse shooting out of the ground and grabbing my ankles, I often wonder what the future will be like for me. I sometimes sit in a dark porta-potty, close my eyes, and imagine that the smell encompassing my wadded up clothing is actually the residual odor as a result of the chemical exchange that powers the flux capacitor. The porta-potty starts it slow delayed rumble, the air becomes heavy. I cant stop sweating. A fan kicks on from somewhere behind me as air starts to circulate in a whooshing noise. BLAM, at first. A violent rumble ensues. SPARK, BUZZZZZZ EYERYWHERE! Lights are flashing and blinking all around me. I take a deep gulp of my big gulp and wipe my forehead with a McDonalds moist towelette. The countdown begins. I am not alone. Michael J Fox and Doc, sitting on each side of me, look deeply into my eyes and triple kiss me, "randall, where we're going, there are no roads".

2185 here we come! By now the lingering words of those two is almost obscured by the noise generated from the time-potty. BLAM, BOOSH, WIZZO. Doc looks over and shouts, "Randall, DO IT! YOU HAVE TO HIT THE...".

The what? Hit the what?

Damn it, all those years of training for this event and now I cant remember what I learned in class (7-11 parking lot).

WHAT THE HELL COULD HE MEAN?

I look around the room, what the hell is Doc referring to? WHAT COULD IT BE?

Urinal?

No...

Urinal Cake?

No...

Weird pole that exhausts potty gas that build up?

NO!

Out of the corner of my eye, I see it.

OF CORSE! The the transvaporational purell thyme machine button!!!!

I am fighting horrific forces pinning me to my seat. Somehow, for some reason I manage to stand up and slam my open palm onto the Purell Dispencer, shooting Purell K-Y jelly all down my leg. BAMMMMMMMMM!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzooooozzzzzzo...................

The room goes silent. We're here, we're here! WE'RE HERE!

I kick the door open and scream, "I HAVE DONE IT! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!".

...but as I pull up my pants, the only future voice I hear is the present day man in a hard hat waiting in line. He raises an eyebrow and says to me, "yeah buddy, we all shit... I'm just glad yer finally off the fucking pot." He pushes me aside as he lets out a gigantic fart as if inching out a grill cheese sandwich. As the man swings a lumbering arm to open my thyme machine, I peer inside a closing door to see no Doc... No Michael J. Fox...

I am alone, my thoughts of occupancy, now vacant.

Where am I in this cold cruel world? What can I of today tell future me?

This is main topic of today's post. What if there is a way for me to tell future me something? Well my AOL friends, I have found a way. There is a website called futureme.org in which you can write your future self an email and specify the date in which it will be sent.

What follows is the letter to myself, to be delivered in 2185.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Hello future AOL me,

it is me, past randall tuhchie. If you are getting this email, then the home cryogenic machine (deep freezer) that you and acorn built has worked. If everything has gone right, then at this point I will pause and allow you to drink from your genitals. The future is great isn't it?

How is the future treating you? Did the lunchables you buried in the backyard go bad? Hopefully not cause if the future is anything like Ashton Kutchers "butterfly effect", then you know that that movie IS SO WRONG WHEN IT COMES TO THYME TRAVEL. YOU JUST GOT PUNKED(dont know what that means).

Did you learn how to reanimate your kitty peppercorn (named after pepper and acorn)? Hopefully so, cause if the cops found a corpse in a freezer with a shit ton of dead kitties piled on top of it, someone has got some splainin to DO! (acorn arrested).

What advice gan I give to a man (me) that already knows so much.

Well, remember when you was a kid and got would hump ping-pong balls in the closet when mom(dead) was away? That's not what I want to tell you about. BUT IT SURE IS FUNNY!

What I want to tell you is that I secretly buried 90,000 ketchup packets, and if all goes as according to planets, they are still burried in the your back yard... or as it is known in the future, an ancient and sacred cat burial ground. (see map)

this is important because the ketchup packets should be worth millions of billions of dollars, since there will be a ketchup shortage in the future.

You can thank me for that one later.

Well. I suppose thats all for now future me. I hope you have learned your fucking lesson.

One last thing future me. what's it like? are they're flying cars? robotic prostitues? Dogs that lick your anus clean after you potty? Trying to work the kinks out of the last one. Please find a way of contacting me... please.

I await your reply. You are our only pope.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Another Day Another Doll Hair (Target) and Family Matters

Well Well Well, AOL. I just punched out of my new job and christ almighty, what a f*cking day. It's not to say that working in the diaper section of target is bad, but it's that ever since chris and I broke up. I have had such an awkward time meeting women. You know that thing where you date an ugly girl for a day and then break up with her so you can get with a real woman with two boobs? Well, after breaking up with chris for her cheating on me with some guy she kept crying about called Genral Herbies, I thought the women would come crawling up randalls pole(slang for a polish man). I COULDNT BE MORE WRONG SEX IN THE SITY! Dont get me wrong, Target has great women just ripe for the old spatula and bean dip(trying to learn how to talk dirty), but for the most part, women just say to me "Hey Randall, some kid pooped under a mossimo shirt rack," or "Hey you fucking asshole, this is a womens bathroom"(Apparently, slang for potty). Well, I tell you what sex in the sity, when it comes to women, I am like a sexual camelback.

Why is women so hard to understand?

Just the other day I was stocking extra large pampers with shit guard for the fat f*ck babies when carla from home decor came up to me. I mean, she is a nice african american women, but I dont really have a thing for women over the 350 dollar mark. She is always saying things like, "Hey Randall" and "Randall, you are so funny" and punches me in the arm, but I always tell her, "carla, I aint tell no joke!" She justs laffs anyway and punches me in the arms, and I inevitably knock over a stack of huggies. DANG IT CARLA, I DONT LIKE YOU. But she dont care, she justs laffs away at everything I do. Last week, I asked if anyone was going to eat the mustard packets in the fridge and she just started laffing away, "randall, you is too cute" and "randall, I would make a man outa you any day". Oh well, wen old randall does decide to bound and gag (very into something called S&M&M's) the future miss tuhchie, I will make a real woman out of the F*CKING CHEATING SLUT, and give her a good home with stolen cable and a real pull out couch on which we can conceive(still learning) not borrowed children we can call ours. Oh well, until then, it's like the old saying , "another day, another doll hair".

Aside from the grueling schedule of 24 hours a week, not all has been bad. Today papper came to see me at my job. I realized how much this woman meant to me when we were returning a couple of Xbox 360s I helped her cram in her sweatpants the night before. She grabbed the cash, stuck it in her bra and said, "wow randall, look at you, all growed up". I was blowed away. A tear jerked out of my eye hole and ran down my face. I lied and told her I was alergic to toilet duck. She laffed and said, "it's ok randall, I know how much family means to you, now lets get going, I have to remember what isle I stashed the baby in." Wow AOL, until then, I just though of family as something that you bailed out of jail, or just people you sold cars to that broke in half when they drive away, but at that moment, when pepper was deciding whether or not to buy some glittery scrunchies at the one spot, I knewed that family was more than that. Family is someone who is there for you, through thick(chris) and thin(drunken night with pepper), through the good times(target) and the bad times(hardees). Family is thicker than blood stains, family is a way of life.

I know AOL, this one was short, but I am a little too choked up.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Where have I been and FALL FASHION GUIDE!!!!!

Well hello AOL. I know I know I know, you are mad at me. You are like, randall, you fucking retard, why the hell havent you called me on the internet webpage you update, and I am like SHUT THE F*CK UP DAD. Well, to answer your question, I have been so sad lately. A few weeks ago, chris (hotty with a body, drinks a lotty, and breaks the toilet in my house when she goes potty) and I broke up. Well, I assume it's for the best beause she was was getting to controling like, "we're you following me home last night" and " randall, we are not dating, I am a prosthetic". You know the old saying, "women, cant live with them, so cut a hole in the wall and watch em". Anyway, after the break up I got all depressed, didnt eat nothing, then ate too much. I gained a bunch of weight and lost it the next moringing when I went pee. The real kicked was seeing her at hardees hitting on pedro the guy who works the counter. Man, I'd like to punch that SH*THEAD in his pretty face. OH, IM THE HARDEES BEST EMPLOYEE AND I HAVE THE LEAST STAINED UNIFORM, SO NATURALY I GET TO WORK THE COUNTER AND HIT ON ALL THE HOT PREGNANT MOMS THAT COME IN FOR CHEDDAR MELTS TO GO. I mean, why does chris have to make out with him in from of me? She will kiss him and get finger banged (slang for thumb wrestle) RIGHT IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS! Well, it's ok, I knewed I had to move on, so I decided I would leave the appropriate and professional way. Which, is a good thing cause if it werent for Pepper getting me a job at Target, I dont think I would have been able to explain the draino bomb that went off in the womens potty on my last day. Thank god for managers who dont check references.

So now I have been working at target. WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT! I stock the dairy section and pull a few shifts a week stocking diapers and fatty pregnant ladies pants. I must say, it seems like the sky is the limit with target! Plus, I get to eat all the hot dogs, soda and popcorn they throw out at the end of the night! Yeah, they never lock the dumpsters.

So that's where I have been, if you must keep fucking asking me. I've been the same randall, who despite hardships, keeps looking to the starz for inspiration. With that, I present Randall Tuhchie's FALL FASHION GUIDE.

1. Muffin tops are so not in right now. Keep sucking down that pepsi untill you reach bread loaf tops.

2. Ladies, ladies, ladies, how many times has this happened to you? You get all hot and heavy with a guy and you want to change your underware after a steamy dry humping session? When you go to take a serious dump in the shitter, the guy walks in and sees your granny panties all wadded up in the sink? Old underware can create a sagging look in your sweatpants. Donate those GPs to a local charity, like goodwill, volunteers of america, or a funny dog video you record and post to youtube.

3. Socks and sandals are a serious no-no unless you are legless and you use both as a conversation piece.

4. One of the toughest challanges is slimming the torso while supporting a larger chest. This is an especially sensitive topic and should be handled on a case by case basis. Send pictures of your chest to me, randall tuhcie, as well as a description of what the perfect first date scenario might be.

5. Kindness never goes out of fashion. With that, would you kindly move your fucking stroller out of the way, as I need to order my god damn burrito and get back to my netflicks instant play.

6. Dogs are great and compliment personalities. However, you should note that dogs arent just fashion accesories, they are sole mates and friends for life... especially for older single lesbians with no chance of reproducing anytime soon.

7. As the seasons change around this time, remember that just because the air might have a slight chill to it doesnt mean that you have to start wearing more clothes and hang up those booty shorts just yet. It does however, mean you'll have to stop visiting the childrens ward at St. Judes.

8. Health is just as important as fashion these days, and staying fit is one of the most fashionable things you can do for yourself. Cut down to only three quarts of Dreyers Double churn a night and say hello to a new you.

9. Every girl needs a bag! just make sure you carry alkohol in one when on the street, you can get a ticket if you dont. been there done that.

10. Remember that the most important fashion tip is knowledge. Books can make anyone seem way sexier. Nothing says sexy like someone reading a copy of Big Bouncys hidden behind "the grapes of wrath".

Well AOL, thanks for understanding my abscence. I hoped you will take my fall fashion advice and stop being a fatty uggo face!

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

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