To the grabuating summer school class of two-throusand tren

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Down but not Gout

Well well well, if it isn't me ramdall tuhchie. You know I was thinking the other day that with the new sex in the sity 2 or as I like to call it, the reason I keep my hand at the bottom of the popcorn bag in my lap, that I should get back to my sexy in the sity AOL blog. Well, you know what?

Thjis week I was injured like no other time before! IT'S TRUE YOU FUCK FACE ASS HEAD(daddy and mommy's rolled up head rug talk)! This week I was inflicked wiss a thing called gout. Yeah, it is like when your foot get's all big and full of alkohol. Or at least that's what this shit face in a white coat down at the free clinic tol me.

He said, "Randy, the reason why yous has a big foot is cause you drink to much mountain dew code red and alkohol." I told him, "hold the bologna, macaroni, I never mix the two and am know my limits for both... especially when driving a mini van full of kids. SO DONT tell me how to take my wake up medicine". He the said something unimportant about hearts and feet and basically tol me that my foot was fool of alkohol.

"WHOOPIE!", I shouted! Tonight drinks are on me! The doctor was trying to say something about being a tard or my not understanding something or other correctly, but I was too happy and busy kicking over the stacks of marie claire in the waiting room, or as I like to call it (no difference between here and the bus).

The lady at the counter told me I had to pay MY HARD EARNED soda deposit returning money on some pills for something stupid, and I tol her to "kiss my grits, pancake tits"

I think she started crying.

NE-WAyZ(as the AOL hackers like to say(Hacker is a term for someone who asks A/S/L? in the chat rooms and always turn out to be a dude who was kidding about sex chat and really doesnt want to continue NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU EMAIL HIM OR IM HIM OR TELL HIM U LOVE HIM)

So back to the story at hand, Old pancake tits tol me something like, "waaaa waaa waa waaa, and I said, "cheer up bacon butt, You should come over to my party and help crack this beer foot open"

Well she said no, or "go fuck yourself, or "i love you randy" or something like that, but I didnt care cause this beautiful girl some 15 or 12 years of age told me she was interested in coming to my party. I told her, bingo bango, jingo jango, I got the music, we should tango." She asked me, "are you retarded or something?"

I told her, ".............................no."

Then she asked if I had a car, "I tol her that I sold mine a few winters ago (or as I like to call it, the time in which we bring the 50 gallon barrel woodstove inside), but pepper has one and she she could give us a ride back cause she had to see the same doctor as me about her bacterial vaginitus."

We hung out in the parking lot drinking dr pepper and smoking misty 100's that Lucillia stole from her whore mom(term of endearment I suppose). She was all like, my mom is so stupid and, my mom is such a whore, and my mom dont care if I have sex with older men, and stuff like that.

I tol her, Lucilla. You gota love your mom cause it was her buh-gina that pushed you out into this world, and if she was willing to stretch her buh-gina to the point of ripping and NOT use a coat hanger then not matter how much you hated her, you gots to love her.

She said, "yeah, you got a point.... I dont know how, but you got a point"

Pepper eventually showed up and said get in the car, we gotta go. This yeast egg pill they put in my coochie requires me to lay on my back for 2 hours and I'll be dammed if this thing leaks all over the seats before we get home. She then turned to beautiful Lucillia, so ripe with innocence, mysticism ,wonder, and awe and said, "what the fuck is your cousin doing here?"

I said, "Hootie tootie, I gota pootie, I didnt knowed you was my cousin!" Lucillia said, "What, not you aint like me?"

I said Lucilla, we is borned in to different worlds, when I was a kid i watched kids shows like seaseme street, looney toones, and sir-rapes-a-lot, when you was a kid you watched shows like, pokemon, blues clues, and big trouble in little vagina.... wees from different worlds."

She looked at me with wonder abound in her eyes, and said "ramdall, I's glad you is my cousin, cause until today, I neber knewed the meaning of family".

When we got back to the house I tol pepper about my beer foot and how drinks were on me, but we had to figure out how to get it out without hurting my foot. So we got a ladder, put my foot in a bucket of water and closed it part of the way in the freezer. Two hours later I couldnt feel no thing in my foot.

Pepper laffed and said, "you anus face, you get GOUT FROM DRINKING TOO MUCH, It dont mean your foot is filled wiss beer". We laffed and laffed and pushed me around the room on my ice block foot until we eventually had to drive to the free clinic.

After the doctor wrapped my foot in a gauze and tol me to change the rapping every never, we all piled back in the car. Pepper and her vodka up front, Lucilla and I in the back. We cuddled a little cuddle in the back seat, wrapped ourselves in a dog blanket, and drank some mountain dew code red all the way back to her place before dropping her off.

As she got out of the car, I could her her whore of a mom saying something about killing someone with a frying pan. She looked at me, her eyes deep in sadness and longing to be back in the warmth of our dodge aeries, said goodnight, and closed the door.

as we drove away, I turned around one last time to catch a glimpse of Lucilla looking back at us. Pepper, in a low voice said, "letter go randy, letter go".

...We did.

-"thank you for getting to know me over this media"- randall tuhchie

Yoda, Dog Penis, Goodbye Yellow Brick Scrote

Hello again AOL,

I knowed, I knowed. It's been too long my sexy in the sity AOL friends. Sometimes, i think, I should really get back to writing my blog, and other times i think, "... just one more informercial, maybe this next one wont be british." But he makes a good point! I am lazy, you are lazy, we dont like doing the dishes and I hate cleaning up bacon grease.

I knowed, I knowed, you can make all the excuses in the world, but when it comes down to it, you either got it or you dont. Sometimes after a long day of laying at the bottom of the ball pit at the Macky D's (slang for sh!t burger) play palace, breathing out of six bendy straws bent every witch way, and not have a little kiddo step on you in the right place, a feller can get pretty exhausted. I mean you knowed how it is. NOT ONE KIDDO!

Well, sometimes when I think about how long "work" is, and how low I get to feeling, i think of YOU. You are the reason I keep going. When I lay at the bottom of that ball pit, covered red, green, blue, and orange balls, mixed with half eaten cheese burgers and diarrhea, my mind wizzos away to a far away play palace. One where unicorns have human babies and human babies get married to presidents of foreign neighborhoods watch associations. A place where a kid can just be a kid and kiss ANY PERSON, not limited to a "LEGAL AGE". I mean, think about it. For instance, I was always pretty good at maff class back in height-school. So now I am going to lay some linear algebra equations on you. If you think about how old babies are, and how close to not living they were before they was infected with the stuff found in tube socks back in the uberus, and you look how close to death old scrotum faces who buy adult diapers cause they dont like going potty in the toilet or bed LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, then you know that they is pretty much the same thing? AND if no one like to kiss old people and retards except the people in movies, then it just makes sense that there shouldn't be a legal age to kiss babies that ARENT YOURS! NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU RUN TO GET AWAY FROM THE PARENTS THAT ARE CHASING YOU CAUSE YOU ARE CARRYING THEIR BABY. and you shouldnt be arrested by the police for what I like to call "run kissing" with a baby neither. I mean COME ON AMERICA, Do the maff!

You know all this talk about dog penis reminds me of my Uncle Scrote. We called him uncle scrote cause he had the most funniest party trick ever. When we was kids he would lay on the bed, pull down his pants, stretch his scrotum over his belly button, and tell us he was pushing out a old baldy baby! We laffed and laffed! Eventually we got kicked out of mattress world. He was a good uncle, the kind where you could lend him a dollar and the next day he's let you smoke his butts if you didnt tell his wife he stayed home from work. She danced at a club called tubby's. She would always come home, find out that Uncle scrote didnt work, yell at him, and go up to her room to do her kagels. "Screw ping pong balls, one day I will shoot a bowling ball across the room", she would say. What a lady!

I bring up uncle scrote partly because of dog penis, partly because it was through him that I learned how "my precious" life really is and the true meaning of "doesnt every boy who finishes his dinner get desert?". Well, last week we found a note that said he was going to off himself Boner stabone style. Well, the police, or as pepper like to call them, "shit hide the drugs in my ass", called and said they found Uncle Scrote. He was in jail for exposing him self to mynors and using PCP. We'll pepper said, enuf is enuf, Uncle scrote is dead to us.

But I tol her, "WAIT A MINUTE, THE POLICE SAID HE WAS ALIVE, NOW YOU SAY HE'S DEAD?"

Pepper laffed, "no you fuck face retard, he is dead TO US." So there you go, i guess he died after all. This is probably another case of police brusetality.

I'll never forget him. He wased a good man. This reminds me of something someone once said. "Ok randall, now you try and stretch your scrotum over your belly button. Wait while I get my camera." That, and the words of the great prophet, yoda. Who once said, "if you really love something, let it go, and if it comes back... something ...something, dog penis." I think about that and it makes me laff. WHY WOULD A SCROTUM HEAD SAY THAT? Now that is funny! Too bad he wasnt liked as the character french stewart in the hilarious drama, "third rock from the sun".

Uncle Scrote, you will be misseded,






"thank you fo getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

This house aint a home, unless it's condemned

Why hello there AOL,

It's me, Ramdall Tuhchie, your favoritest F@CKING PERVERT (what female sexual rentals you find in the back of the newspaper call you when you tell them to describe going potty in a cup). You know, sometimes when I am not thinking about the toilet hole (the non-potty-run-on-the-floor model, but a REAL hooked up one) is sorta like a doctor in that they both take away the bad things in life like potty and daddy love punches, then I am often wondering about this fascinating world in which we all live. And if you are like me, and look at the world through the particular lenses that I look through (tansitions stuck in sorta sunny mode), then you wonder why things in the world just dont make sense.

Let me diveded in a little further on what I mean. I have been thinking a lot about where I am in life, and where I plan to be when I am old and Goodwill smelly. I was bent over and leaning against the toilet (not the one where you wash your pee pee and brush your teeth but the low to the floor one), when the plumber started shoving his snake down the hole. He kept shoving and shoving it, all the while twisting and turning his knob, sweating and wiping his brow when he said, "ok, I hit something". He made a joke about how he wished his snake was this long, but I personally am offended by jokes about sex, and I didnt get it. I laffed and said "ha ha ha, buhginas are sooooooooooooo smelly". He must have thought my joke was so funny cause he tapped me on the shoulder, said "ok buddy, whatever you say" and let out a huge groan as he yanked his snake out of the toilet.

"ARRRRRGGGGGGGG

HMMMMMM

HEEEEEEEEEEEE

ALL... MOST... GOTIT........

HERE IT COMES......

......

..

....

....

....

..

...

..

...

Mmmmmmmmuuuuuhhhhh AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

huh huh huh huh huh... huhOLY SHIT MAN? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" he yelled.

Tears poured out my eye holes, it was my kitty radish!!!! “Oh radish, you F@CKING SH!TFACE(term of endearment), pepper said you raned away!” Well, pepper is a liar. All this time, I put up posters all around town saying “looking for a good pussy, call pepper” and only asthmatics kept calling. All this time, pepper knewed where she was.

The plumber looked at me and said, “Sir, as it stands now, this house should be condemned”.

I looked at him with big tears in my eye holes and said, “This House? THIS HOUSE? No, No, No, Sir… this HOME should be condemned.”

“Thank you for getting to know me over this media” - Randall Tuhchie

Vote Nes on Measure 66/67

Hello Aol,

well well well, if it isnt your favoritist pal randall tuhchie. You know, a lot of people have been wondering where i have been lately. They say things like, "hey randall, stop eating out of the recycling bin", or "credit or debit mr. randall? Do you want me to sex you right here on this counter?" Well, you know, I get busy from time to time, AND I CANT ALWAYS F&$KING BLOG ABOUT THINGS OKAY?

Like the other day when I was ringing out the plastic man snakes in peppers trashcan for help with her her employer sex scandall, or as she calls it "That fetal alcohol syndrom looking assfuck shoulda gave me a raise". I mean, AOL, I was thinking, "dang this is so important, that i gots to write it down on my AOL blog." We'll, like always, one thing lead to another and before you know it, I was laying in bed with pepper, smoking a homosexual (term for cigarette). We'll I couldnt just leave my cousin right then and there in her most tender of moments. So, while my randall brain thought I should rip off the "sega genesis presents ecco the dolphin" promotional blanket, body randall knewed better than to leave pepper.

So, there you have it AOL, to answer your question, I guess I prefer to cut a larger hole in my whitey tighties to make it easier to peep peep with my pants still on.

Anyway, I was thinking, I have been meaning to get back to my sex and the sity AOL friends. You know, if you are like me and watch tv practically every moment of your life (cept for those days when I am hiding from the landlord), then you probabbly noticed how much sex and violence are on tv. And if you you arent cleaning the kleenex off the floor and washing your hands when the sex and violence ends, you might notice these things called comercials. Well, in a cap-of-the-list society we really wants people to buy things like easy choppo's for garlic, baldo spray for the hairless, and amigo scooters for retards and fatties. So sometimes during a "comerical break" there will be abatisements for these things. Sometimes they are funny, and sometimes they are sad, and sometimes they make me confused like "So much for the mexicans stealing all of our good jobs (apple picker and dishwasher at applebees), NOW I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT GECKO'S?" We'll just the other day I sawed an abertisement to vote yes on Measurement 66 and 67. I thoughts "well when my neighbors ballot comes in the mail, I'll be sure to do that".

But then out of the blue, on my way to the drop off the just birthen puppies at the Humane Society, I sawed a sign that said, vote no on measure 66/67. SO NOW I WASED REALLY CONFUSED!

Now lets be honest, both sides of this politickle debate have some really good points. On one side of the KOIN news 6 you have a sad looking child, and on the other, you have a fat hand taking monolopy monies out of a wallet. Both is really good points, I mean on one hand, you gota a sad kid... no kid deservers to not be kissed and told "come one sugar lips lets wrestle under the bed. PIN ME! PIN ME!", and on the other hand no one should take monies out of anyone else's wallet unless they need to buy a super soaker really really bad cause wallmart is having a end-o-summer sale. WHAT F@CKTARD WOULDNT BUY ONE? I stewed it in my randall brain for a long time, and just couldnt come up with answer to this politickle debate.

So I decided to do some investigating. I went to the local library and asked the sweet and kind bag of fucking wrinkles at the circumsizelation desk to "help me with my measurement". We'll low and behold she should have got the librarian of the year award because before I knewed it, 2 police officers were pinning me on the floor and told me to "spead em". I thought, "what a good idea! too long had I rationalized my thoughts into two completely opposing arguments. I needed to spead my ideas out and decide not into "yes" and "no", but to nes and yo... to get a real feel of the middleground."

Well after the cutey Officer pant-lump (term of endearment meaning for muscular in the groin region) let me walk on account of the jail being over-crowed, or as he liked to call it, "pedo's walk free", I decided to take his advice to heart and destroy all evidence I had in the portland strangler case. After that I decided to get a real feel as to how it would effected REAL people. So I grabbed my amigo scooter and super soaker (filled with strawberry and robotussin smoothie from my magic bullet food processor) and hit the streets.

The first person I asked was a homeless man who kept trying to offer me a sock soaked in gas. I said no thank you, I already have two man snake puppets wadded up next to my computer. So I asked him, how are you voting on measurement 66/67. He said, "JeSUS was a crumple-stiltskin" and preceeded to urinate while falling over. Interesting pointsetta. I wrote it down and moved along.

I decided I needed to get a wealthy persons point of view so the next person I interviewed was a older man voltroning a young woman in a bathroom marked, "city consell". Upon asking him about measure 66/67, he replied, "What the, GET THE FUCK... UHHHHHHHHH!" Again, a good point.

Lastly, I decided to hear the voice of the middleclass, so I hit the subarbs and searched for a regular joe 24 fridge pack (cube shaped). There he was at least, toolbox in hand, coming out of his car and walking into his house. As I stood there with his wife and daughters underpants on my head, he hardly let me utter the words, "What do you think of measure 66/67" before he screamed his politickle opinion "YOUR GUNNA DIE YOU FUCKING PERVERT!"

I couldnt believed it, here it was... all the time... the answer to what middle america had to say, "you are going to die you fucking pervert." If this measurment doesnt pass, we will all die, each and every fucking pervert in america.

As me was beating me unconsiously with the back of a stud-finder, I knewed right then and there which way I should vote. I had done my research and admidst all the abertisements and all the hulla-baloon with kids looking sad and fatty hands taking moneis outa wallets, I had come to the answer Oregon Needed. So as my blood soaked hand clutched the mini-golf pencil I stole from put-put game and golf, I cast my vote... "JeSUS was a crumple-stiltskin"

-"thank you for getting to know over this media" -randall tuhchie

Halloween Recap!

Hello AOL ghouls and goats, my nam is randall tuhchie. It is true, sometimes I dont get around to posting much. That is because sometimes I get around to getting arrested. NOT MY FAULT! The words ticket and tickle sounds a lot alike when coming out of a cops frothy mouth. But I digest. Anyway, After being in lock up for the weekend, I knewed that I had to make some serious changes in my life. None of which was more important than being able to defecate in front of other men. You know how difficult it is to go potty when people say compliments like, hey sweet breath, I got something to push out of ya (a term for getting out of lock up rather quickly for good behavior)? Well, You know how it is, randall always finds a way to brighten up any situation. While i was in the clincker, I thought it would be good to paint a mural on the wall. So i gathered up all the mashed potatoes and gravy, fishsticks and feces I could carry in one hairnet and set about painting a lovely picture of my grandfather's Fredric Ulrich's pig farm. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! Leonardo (ninja turtle) couldnt have painted it better. I christened it with a lovely caption F.U. Pig's. Man, did the wardens have a field day with that. they started hooting and hollering and dancing with all the inmates. Real slow like to! You know how in those movies from the 50's (look who's talking too) where the man holds the lady real tight like and she dont want a kiss, but she does? Then the baby starts talking all funny like? THAT'S HOW IT WAS! All the guards started holding all the prisoners real tight like. In fact, on guards came up to me and said so sweetly, "GET THE F*CK ON THE GROUND DIRTBAG". I said to him, "sir, you havent even asked me for my name, why would I want to lay down with you" (secretly did, played hard to get). Well, He thought I was being a wiseguy cause he asked me, "YOU BEING A WISEGUY YOU F*CKING RETARD?" I said to him, "you had me at..."

I said, "You had me at..." cause i didnt get to finish my sentance. Bummer too, cause I was gettin really wet (slang for getting ready to kiss under the slanket). JUST THEN, a fellow inmate threw a toilet seat over the guards head. WFT? I knew that people were getting ready to kiss and all, but the party got out of hand when they played this air siren to break up the dance party. Well well well, I'll have you know that I didnt want to leave the jail party so soon, but my cellmate, Uncle Chewey said, "Randy, we got to get the F8CK out of here."

I knewed it, MY PAINTING OF FREDERIC ULRICH'S PIG'S, was just the thing to get me out of jail on good behavior because before I knewed it Uncle Chewey grabbed me and said, "we're getting out of here". You know, a lot of people criticize american jails, but I tell you that only in america can a rapist of elderly women, waiting to be sentenced to prison can get out through a hole cut in the fence on good behavior. I mean, talk about reform.

Chewey said he needed to find a late 80's delta 88, cause that was the easiest to hot-wire (slang for streaming internet radio). We'll we found his car but I guess he forgot his keys cause one fell swoop of his gigantic gang tattooed forearm and the window busted into a million pieces. "We'll" I said, "That's one way to make an enterence". He chucked and said "shut up fag, get in the car".

We'll we drove for a while until we started seeing all these little kids in all these sexy costumes walking around. Sexy Hannah Montanna's, sexy mummies, sexy ghouls and goats. I knewed it! IT WAS HALLOWEEN! Quick I said, "turn around". Chewey said, "you're the boss", and I said "Ha, TONY DANZA!" and before I knewed it, my head was smashed up against the wall as the delta 88 was turning on a dime and hitting all these little manequines standing in the road. GREAT HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS. LITTLE GHOULS AND GOATS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD? I LOVE HALLOWEEN. I calmed myself and told Chewey about my sister pepper's halloween party at my grandma's. Chewey must have an itch on his inner thy cause he started scratching it for about 10 minutes while saying "mmmmm yeah. Been in the jail too long".

We'll needless to say that thanks to the american jail that didnt ask for our clothes back, we had halloween costumes!

It was around dusk when we got to gramdma's party. We showed up and everyone loved our costumes. Pepper told me, "randall, what the fuck are you doing here". I said to her, "Hold the potty, potati. I got off on good behavior for painting a mural of Fredrick's pig farm." She laffed and said randall, THAT WAS YOU? I said to her, "you got a thing against rent-a-center art?" She laffed again and said, "you was always the artist in the family". She also explained to me that for reasons I would not understand, "I had to lay low", (slang for crab walking) "for a while". I said ok and started crab walking to the potty. I had to go real bad, so I opened the door from the ground with my foot and saw grandma going potty". She yelled out, "someone's in here sweety, I'll be just a minute". I said, "cool your jets, ciggarettes, I'll use pepper's potty".

So I crabwalked down the hall and kicked open peppers potty. Man, some women have too many things. There was all this make-up and hair brushes, and pepper's baby, EVERYWHERE! So being that it was halloween, I started putting on pepper's clothes and he underwear, and her make up and put the baby under the sink. I noticed an envelope called "mamogram" and in it was an x-ray vision photo of a pepper's boob. We'll after I washed my hands, I tried to incorperate it into my costume, but just couldnt figure out how to. Well, the next thing I know, the doorbell rings and from out the window I can see a whole gang of police man costumes flashing their lights all up and down the yard. Taking pepper's advice (crab-walking) and my desire to actually have a good costume this year, I crabwalked over to her room and grabbed a white sheet (except for red stain) and threw it over me. I peeped out one of the man holes and guided myself out into the living room where the police costumes had drawn their squirt guns on Uncle Chewey. I shouted, "dont take chewey away" (jokingly) and pepper told me to "be quiet". So sitting there in the crab walking position, I watched the police costumes and chewey act out a fight scene. Oh man, they must have been training for such a long time for this scene. Well, they eventually wrestled him to the ground.

As they acted out a great scene in where chewey was taken away by the police costumes, one of them turned to me and said, "cute kid, I'm sorry you had to see this little buddy." He reached into his pocket and handed be a blowpop. i said "YUMMY".

After a few days, pepper tol me i could come out of the pantry and that it was ok if I wanted to crash at her friends place. i said sure, "BUT WHO IS GUNNA FEED MY KITTY RADISH?" She said, randall, it's ok, we got you covered.

So as i looked into her eyes i thought, jeez world, with all the problems facing health care, funemployment, and other thinngs growed-up talk about on aol, it's nice to know that the america in that house, that night, was stronger than Uncle Chewey's grip on his fake blood pouch squirting out of his chest.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

What is kids into these days?

Hi AOL, it is me, your feind Randall Tuhchie. Soory I havent blogged(slang for when I am not looking at puddingfart.com) in a while. You know, if you are like me and often get your foot caught in the toilet, then you know that you definately have time throughtout the day to think about kids and how fashions come and go. Now I know what you are thinking and, well AOL, you cant just sit on the swigset at your local elementary school all day(helpfull hint, set up survelence camera with real film.) So how does a real person, who works a gureling 12 hours a week, like me have time to learn about all the kids fashions these days. Well, I will tell you what Sex in the sity, you have to really like kids to know just what these kids is into these days. Take for instance the other day. I was cutting off a piece of the AIDS quilt to make a dog blanket for the return of my dog turnip(away at some dog shelter called youth-in-eyes) and I happened to be approached by two kids who very nicely asked me, "what the fuck in gods name did I think I was doing", well, my first instinct was to pretend I was specially handicapped retards. I started "duh"ing and "der"ing, and peeing myself to no avail. they sawed right through it. Well, i said to them, "think fast" and threw my 42oz big gulp at em. well, it's a good thing I had it AOL, cause as soon as it bashed over the little girls head I was running down the street like the time my mommy(dead) told me to run to the neightbors house and call the cops(forgot to call cause was distracted by my friend fava bean playing mickey mousecapades for the Nintendo Entertainment System, GREAT GAME ASS*HOLES!). Well as I was running away from the cops, I happened to duck into an american apparel shop. I musta had all the hottest trends cause everyone was staring at me and you know that I know I am a hot stud. Well, alter i pulled my pants up, i heard heard some teen with smallish breasts say, "who let the tranny in." Well, I must say, I have never been called a tranny(slang for what I can only assume means transitional fashion guru) before. I could feel a surge of energy rush through me. It encapuslated my every move. It was only halted by some punk who said to me, sir, would you please get your crotch off the register?" I mean how rude? If Patrick Swazye's corpse came flapping his gyrating, rotting corpse into the american apparel and asked for change for the bus by pulling out a roll of quarters from his undies, I bet that man wouldnt have said the same thing to him. RACIST!!!!!

Anyway, as I was being led out of the dressing room by the most hamsomest security guard ever, mr. salvio, I came up with some great idea's for just what kids is into these days.

without further ado, I present Randall's guide to just what kids is into these days.

1. Kids love to be adventurous and try on all sorts of clothing. Let them discover what fashion means to them. Place piles of underwear in the living room, and send out invitations that say things like, "for a hot time(heater broken), come watch my kid try on all sorts of panties." Your friends will be sure to head over. dont let them leave with the children. they always try to do that.

2. Dont ever discourage a child from being able to choose their own clothes, for those ealy years are times of great discovery in what it means to be yourself.... unless it's something completely f*cking faggy.

3. Know that at some point, parents and kids(teens) push away from each other and often need room. This stage is crucial for a child to develop leadership roles amongst their peers. Duct tape them to the floor and scream at them that they are going to watch fresh prince of bell air with you as part of family bonding time.

4. Don't be scared that you child may be the envelope pusher you weren't when you were a child. It is imperative that you act in a loving way and truly support their way, no matter how fucking stupid they look bumming change with their crusty dog near pioneer courthouse square.

5. Dinosaurs

6. With all these social networking site these days, it's easy to know what kids are into. Still, no of these compare to good old fecal spoon smooshin.

7. basements. the more locked the better.

8. All of these tests coming our of Harvard and Yale and university of phoenix are no match for good old detective work. No matter how we might try, kids just ARENT into vegetables. If kids wont get into your van for questioning for empirical data such as, "what's hot and what's not", wear a mask(dont let them know you are their parents) and try things like candy, easy cash, or a chance to get back at their boyfriend/girlfriend.

9. It's often noted that one can determine what a child is into these days by determining what they ARE NOT into. It should be noted that a child can survive many days without water.

10. Understand that every child is a temple and deserves the same rights to privacy that you do. These times are especially important to a child and need to be understood. Rightly so, if they are bothering you during your special time, tell them to go them to go the F*CK AWAY AND NOT DISTURB DADDY WHEN HE IS MAKING NOISES IN THE POTTY.

I hope that helps you to just know what kids is into these days. as always, I is your friend Randall Tuhchie and I encourage you to keep looking up(stars).

"thank you for gettin to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

HELLO Future AOL ME

Hi there fellow AOLers,

it is me, your sex in the sity friend Randall. You know when I am not thinking about grandpa's corpse shooting out of the ground and grabbing my ankles, I often wonder what the future will be like for me. I sometimes sit in a dark porta-potty, close my eyes, and imagine that the smell encompassing my wadded up clothing is actually the residual odor as a result of the chemical exchange that powers the flux capacitor. The porta-potty starts it slow delayed rumble, the air becomes heavy. I cant stop sweating. A fan kicks on from somewhere behind me as air starts to circulate in a whooshing noise. BLAM, at first. A violent rumble ensues. SPARK, BUZZZZZZ EYERYWHERE! Lights are flashing and blinking all around me. I take a deep gulp of my big gulp and wipe my forehead with a McDonalds moist towelette. The countdown begins. I am not alone. Michael J Fox and Doc, sitting on each side of me, look deeply into my eyes and triple kiss me, "randall, where we're going, there are no roads".

2185 here we come! By now the lingering words of those two is almost obscured by the noise generated from the time-potty. BLAM, BOOSH, WIZZO. Doc looks over and shouts, "Randall, DO IT! YOU HAVE TO HIT THE...".

The what? Hit the what?

Damn it, all those years of training for this event and now I cant remember what I learned in class (7-11 parking lot).

WHAT THE HELL COULD HE MEAN?

I look around the room, what the hell is Doc referring to? WHAT COULD IT BE?

Urinal?

No...

Urinal Cake?

No...

Weird pole that exhausts potty gas that build up?

NO!

Out of the corner of my eye, I see it.

OF CORSE! The the transvaporational purell thyme machine button!!!!

I am fighting horrific forces pinning me to my seat. Somehow, for some reason I manage to stand up and slam my open palm onto the Purell Dispencer, shooting Purell K-Y jelly all down my leg. BAMMMMMMMMM!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzooooozzzzzzo...................

The room goes silent. We're here, we're here! WE'RE HERE!

I kick the door open and scream, "I HAVE DONE IT! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!".

...but as I pull up my pants, the only future voice I hear is the present day man in a hard hat waiting in line. He raises an eyebrow and says to me, "yeah buddy, we all shit... I'm just glad yer finally off the fucking pot." He pushes me aside as he lets out a gigantic fart as if inching out a grill cheese sandwich. As the man swings a lumbering arm to open my thyme machine, I peer inside a closing door to see no Doc... No Michael J. Fox...

I am alone, my thoughts of occupancy, now vacant.

Where am I in this cold cruel world? What can I of today tell future me?

This is main topic of today's post. What if there is a way for me to tell future me something? Well my AOL friends, I have found a way. There is a website called futureme.org in which you can write your future self an email and specify the date in which it will be sent.

What follows is the letter to myself, to be delivered in 2185.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Hello future AOL me,

it is me, past randall tuhchie. If you are getting this email, then the home cryogenic machine (deep freezer) that you and acorn built has worked. If everything has gone right, then at this point I will pause and allow you to drink from your genitals. The future is great isn't it?

How is the future treating you? Did the lunchables you buried in the backyard go bad? Hopefully not cause if the future is anything like Ashton Kutchers "butterfly effect", then you know that that movie IS SO WRONG WHEN IT COMES TO THYME TRAVEL. YOU JUST GOT PUNKED(dont know what that means).

Did you learn how to reanimate your kitty peppercorn (named after pepper and acorn)? Hopefully so, cause if the cops found a corpse in a freezer with a shit ton of dead kitties piled on top of it, someone has got some splainin to DO! (acorn arrested).

What advice gan I give to a man (me) that already knows so much.

Well, remember when you was a kid and got would hump ping-pong balls in the closet when mom(dead) was away? That's not what I want to tell you about. BUT IT SURE IS FUNNY!

What I want to tell you is that I secretly buried 90,000 ketchup packets, and if all goes as according to planets, they are still burried in the your back yard... or as it is known in the future, an ancient and sacred cat burial ground. (see map)

this is important because the ketchup packets should be worth millions of billions of dollars, since there will be a ketchup shortage in the future.

You can thank me for that one later.

Well. I suppose thats all for now future me. I hope you have learned your fucking lesson.

One last thing future me. what's it like? are they're flying cars? robotic prostitues? Dogs that lick your anus clean after you potty? Trying to work the kinks out of the last one. Please find a way of contacting me... please.

I await your reply. You are our only pope.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Another Day Another Doll Hair (Target) and Family Matters

Well Well Well, AOL. I just punched out of my new job and christ almighty, what a f*cking day. It's not to say that working in the diaper section of target is bad, but it's that ever since chris and I broke up. I have had such an awkward time meeting women. You know that thing where you date an ugly girl for a day and then break up with her so you can get with a real woman with two boobs? Well, after breaking up with chris for her cheating on me with some guy she kept crying about called Genral Herbies, I thought the women would come crawling up randalls pole(slang for a polish man). I COULDNT BE MORE WRONG SEX IN THE SITY! Dont get me wrong, Target has great women just ripe for the old spatula and bean dip(trying to learn how to talk dirty), but for the most part, women just say to me "Hey Randall, some kid pooped under a mossimo shirt rack," or "Hey you fucking asshole, this is a womens bathroom"(Apparently, slang for potty). Well, I tell you what sex in the sity, when it comes to women, I am like a sexual camelback.

Why is women so hard to understand?

Just the other day I was stocking extra large pampers with shit guard for the fat f*ck babies when carla from home decor came up to me. I mean, she is a nice african american women, but I dont really have a thing for women over the 350 dollar mark. She is always saying things like, "Hey Randall" and "Randall, you are so funny" and punches me in the arm, but I always tell her, "carla, I aint tell no joke!" She justs laffs anyway and punches me in the arms, and I inevitably knock over a stack of huggies. DANG IT CARLA, I DONT LIKE YOU. But she dont care, she justs laffs away at everything I do. Last week, I asked if anyone was going to eat the mustard packets in the fridge and she just started laffing away, "randall, you is too cute" and "randall, I would make a man outa you any day". Oh well, wen old randall does decide to bound and gag (very into something called S&M&M's) the future miss tuhchie, I will make a real woman out of the F*CKING CHEATING SLUT, and give her a good home with stolen cable and a real pull out couch on which we can conceive(still learning) not borrowed children we can call ours. Oh well, until then, it's like the old saying , "another day, another doll hair".

Aside from the grueling schedule of 24 hours a week, not all has been bad. Today papper came to see me at my job. I realized how much this woman meant to me when we were returning a couple of Xbox 360s I helped her cram in her sweatpants the night before. She grabbed the cash, stuck it in her bra and said, "wow randall, look at you, all growed up". I was blowed away. A tear jerked out of my eye hole and ran down my face. I lied and told her I was alergic to toilet duck. She laffed and said, "it's ok randall, I know how much family means to you, now lets get going, I have to remember what isle I stashed the baby in." Wow AOL, until then, I just though of family as something that you bailed out of jail, or just people you sold cars to that broke in half when they drive away, but at that moment, when pepper was deciding whether or not to buy some glittery scrunchies at the one spot, I knewed that family was more than that. Family is someone who is there for you, through thick(chris) and thin(drunken night with pepper), through the good times(target) and the bad times(hardees). Family is thicker than blood stains, family is a way of life.

I know AOL, this one was short, but I am a little too choked up.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Where have I been and FALL FASHION GUIDE!!!!!

Well hello AOL. I know I know I know, you are mad at me. You are like, randall, you fucking retard, why the hell havent you called me on the internet webpage you update, and I am like SHUT THE F*CK UP DAD. Well, to answer your question, I have been so sad lately. A few weeks ago, chris (hotty with a body, drinks a lotty, and breaks the toilet in my house when she goes potty) and I broke up. Well, I assume it's for the best beause she was was getting to controling like, "we're you following me home last night" and " randall, we are not dating, I am a prosthetic". You know the old saying, "women, cant live with them, so cut a hole in the wall and watch em". Anyway, after the break up I got all depressed, didnt eat nothing, then ate too much. I gained a bunch of weight and lost it the next moringing when I went pee. The real kicked was seeing her at hardees hitting on pedro the guy who works the counter. Man, I'd like to punch that SH*THEAD in his pretty face. OH, IM THE HARDEES BEST EMPLOYEE AND I HAVE THE LEAST STAINED UNIFORM, SO NATURALY I GET TO WORK THE COUNTER AND HIT ON ALL THE HOT PREGNANT MOMS THAT COME IN FOR CHEDDAR MELTS TO GO. I mean, why does chris have to make out with him in from of me? She will kiss him and get finger banged (slang for thumb wrestle) RIGHT IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS! Well, it's ok, I knewed I had to move on, so I decided I would leave the appropriate and professional way. Which, is a good thing cause if it werent for Pepper getting me a job at Target, I dont think I would have been able to explain the draino bomb that went off in the womens potty on my last day. Thank god for managers who dont check references.

So now I have been working at target. WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT! I stock the dairy section and pull a few shifts a week stocking diapers and fatty pregnant ladies pants. I must say, it seems like the sky is the limit with target! Plus, I get to eat all the hot dogs, soda and popcorn they throw out at the end of the night! Yeah, they never lock the dumpsters.

So that's where I have been, if you must keep fucking asking me. I've been the same randall, who despite hardships, keeps looking to the starz for inspiration. With that, I present Randall Tuhchie's FALL FASHION GUIDE.

1. Muffin tops are so not in right now. Keep sucking down that pepsi untill you reach bread loaf tops.

2. Ladies, ladies, ladies, how many times has this happened to you? You get all hot and heavy with a guy and you want to change your underware after a steamy dry humping session? When you go to take a serious dump in the shitter, the guy walks in and sees your granny panties all wadded up in the sink? Old underware can create a sagging look in your sweatpants. Donate those GPs to a local charity, like goodwill, volunteers of america, or a funny dog video you record and post to youtube.

3. Socks and sandals are a serious no-no unless you are legless and you use both as a conversation piece.

4. One of the toughest challanges is slimming the torso while supporting a larger chest. This is an especially sensitive topic and should be handled on a case by case basis. Send pictures of your chest to me, randall tuhcie, as well as a description of what the perfect first date scenario might be.

5. Kindness never goes out of fashion. With that, would you kindly move your fucking stroller out of the way, as I need to order my god damn burrito and get back to my netflicks instant play.

6. Dogs are great and compliment personalities. However, you should note that dogs arent just fashion accesories, they are sole mates and friends for life... especially for older single lesbians with no chance of reproducing anytime soon.

7. As the seasons change around this time, remember that just because the air might have a slight chill to it doesnt mean that you have to start wearing more clothes and hang up those booty shorts just yet. It does however, mean you'll have to stop visiting the childrens ward at St. Judes.

8. Health is just as important as fashion these days, and staying fit is one of the most fashionable things you can do for yourself. Cut down to only three quarts of Dreyers Double churn a night and say hello to a new you.

9. Every girl needs a bag! just make sure you carry alkohol in one when on the street, you can get a ticket if you dont. been there done that.

10. Remember that the most important fashion tip is knowledge. Books can make anyone seem way sexier. Nothing says sexy like someone reading a copy of Big Bouncys hidden behind "the grapes of wrath".

Well AOL, thanks for understanding my abscence. I hoped you will take my fall fashion advice and stop being a fatty uggo face!

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Dino theme park

Wayne Garcia anagrams, I luv U

WAYNE GARCIA ANAGRAM LIST

ANAGRAMS FOR "WAYNE GARCIA"

1. ARCANA YE WIG
2. RACEWAY GAIN
3. RACEWAY GINA
4. GARCIA WAYNE
5. GARCIA AWN YE
6. GARCIA WAN YE
7. GARCIA NAY WE
8. GARCIA ANY WE
9. CRANIA WAG YE
10. CRANIA GAY WE
11. CRANIA AGY WE
12. NCAA AGE WIRY
13. NCAA YEAR WIG
14. NCAA GRAY WEI
15. NCAA GARY WEI
16. NCAA GAY WIRE
17. NCAA GAY WEIR
18. NCAA GAY WIER
19. NCAA AGY WIRE
20. NCAA AGY WEIR
21. NCAA AGY WIER
22. EAGAN CIA WRY
23. EAGAN WAR ICY
24. EAGAN RAW ICY
25. ARENA WAG ICY
26. AREA CIA GWYN
27. AREA YWCA GIN
28. AREA GNAW ICY
29. AREA WANG ICY
30. AWARE NAG ICY
31. AGAIN ACE WRY
32. AGAIN CRAW YE
33. AGAIN RACY WE
34. AGAIN CAW RYE
35. AGAIN WAC RYE
36. AGAIN AWE CRY
37. AGWAY CARE IN
38. AGWAY ACRE IN
39. AGWAY RACE IN
40. AGWAY CAN IRE
41. AGWAY AN RICE
42. AGWAY AN ERIC
43. AGWAY RAN ICE
44. ANA CAGE WIRY
45. ANA CAREY WIG
46. ANA ARC YE WIG
47. ANA CAR YE WIG
48. ANA RCA YE WIG
49. ANA CAW YE RIG
50. ANA WAC YE RIG
51. ANA RAG ICY WE
52. AWAY ACE RING
53. AWAY ACE GRIN
54. AWAY GRECIAN
55. AWAY GRACE IN
56. AWAY CANE RIG
57. AWAY CARE GIN
58. AWAY ACRE GIN
59. AWAY RACE GIN
60. AWAY INCA ERG
61. AWAY CAIN ERG
62. AWAY RICA ENG
63. AWAY NAG RICE
64. AWAY NAG ERIC
65. AWAY RANG ICE
66. AWAY RAG NICE
67. ACE GAIN WARY
68. ACE GAIN AWRY
69. ACE GINA WARY
70. ACE GINA AWRY
71. ACE GRAIN YAW
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74. ACE GNAW AIRY
75. ACE WANG AIRY
76. ACE RAG YAW IN
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78. ACE WAG RAINY
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80. ACE GAY WAR IN
81. ACE GAY RAW IN
82. ACE AGY WAR IN
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84. ACE AN RAY WIG
85. ACE AN YAW RIG
86. ACE AN WAY RIG
87. CAGE NAIR YAW
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93. CAGE IRA YAWN
94. CAGE AIR YAWN
95. CAGE AIRY AWN
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97. CAGEY IRA AWN
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101. CAINE RAG YAW
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108. CANE RIGA YAW
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110. CANE WAG AIRY
111. CARE GAIN YAW
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115. ACRE GAIN YAW
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119. RACE GAIN YAW
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123. CIGAR AWE NAY
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128. CIGAR YEA WAN
129. CRAIG AWE NAY
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133. CRAIG YEA AWN
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135. CIA AGE AN WRY
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138. CIA RANGE YAW
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143. CIA RAGE YAWN
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146. CIA WAGE RYAN
147. CIA WAGE YARN
148. CIA YEARN WAG
149. CIA ANEW GRAY
150. CIA ANEW GARY
151. CIA WANE GRAY
152. CIA WANE GARY
153. CIA WEAN GRAY
154. CIA WEAN GARY
155. CIA WAYNE RAG
156. CIA WEAR NAGY
157. CIA WEAR YANG
158. CIA WARE NAGY
159. CIA WARE YANG
160. CIA WEARY NAG
161. CIA YEAR GNAW
162. CIA YEAR WANG
163. CIA AWE RANGY
164. CIA AWE ANGRY
165. CIA NAG WAR YE
166. CIA NAG RAW YE
167. CIA NAG RAY WE
168. CIA RAG AWN YE
169. CIA RAG WAN YE
170. CIA RAG NAY WE
171. CIA RAG ANY WE
172. CIA GRAY AN WE
173. CIA GARY AN WE
174. CIA WAG AN RYE
175. CIA WAG RAN YE
176. CIA GAY RAN WE
177. CIA AGY RAN WE
178. CIA AN YAW ERG
179. CIA AN WAY ERG
180. INCA AGE WARY
181. INCA AGE AWRY
182. INCA RAGE YAW
183. INCA RAGE WAY
184. INCA GEAR YAW
185. INCA GEAR WAY
186. INCA WAGE RAY
187. INCA WEAR GAY
188. INCA WEAR AGY
189. INCA WARE GAY
190. INCA WARE AGY
191. INCA YEAR WAG
192. INCA AWE GRAY
193. INCA AWE GARY
194. CAIN AGE WARY
195. CAIN AGE AWRY
196. CAIN RAGE YAW
197. CAIN RAGE WAY
198. CAIN GEAR YAW
199. CAIN GEAR WAY
200. CAIN WAGE RAY
201. CAIN WEAR GAY
202. CAIN WEAR AGY
203. CAIN WARE GAY
204. CAIN WARE AGY
205. CAIN YEAR WAG
206. CAIN AWE GRAY
207. CAIN AWE GARY
208. CAIRN AGE YAW
209. CAIRN AGE WAY
210. CAIRN AWE GAY
211. CAIRN AWE AGY
212. CAIRN AYE WAG
213. CAIRN YEA WAG
214. RICA AGE YAWN
215. RICA EGAN YAW
216. RICA EGAN WAY
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219. RICA ANEW GAY
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221. RICA WANE GAY
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223. RICA WEAN GAY
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248. ARC AYE AN WIG
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253. CAR AGE YAW IN
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275. RCA GAY AN WEI
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280. CRAW YEA GINA
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283. CAW AGE RAINY
284. CAW AGE RAY IN
285. CAW ANGIE RAY
286. CAW EGAN AIRY
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291. CAW ARE GAY IN
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295. CAW YEAR GAIN
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316. WAC ARE GAY IN
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320. WAC YEAR GAIN
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340. YWCA RAE GAIN
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342. YWCA ARE GAIN
343. YWCA ARE GINA
344. YWCA EAR GAIN
345. YWCA EAR GINA
346. AGE AN WAR ICY
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348. ERA WAG AN ICY
349. RAE WAG AN ICY
350. ARE WAG AN ICY
351. EAR WAG AN ICY
352. AWE RAG AN ICY
353. RAG AN YAW ICE
354. RAG AN WAY ICE
355. WAG AN RAY ICE
356. GAY AN WAR ICE
357. GAY AN RAW ICE
358. AGY AN WAR ICE
359. AGY AN RAW ICE

250 million and a chance at not being on meth

Well hello there sex and the sity, it's me again, the randall tuhchie. Now I know I got some "splanin" to do (I love lucinda reference), but bear in mind that I now have a new job and it's not every other day that I get to call in drunk. Speaking of work, I need to make a phone call. brb.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, I wanted to let you know what i have been up to as of late. Some of you catch my tweets on some AOL software called AOL, but for those that arent always catching the up to the minute randall updates on someone's lost iphone, I just wanted to catch you up. Nothing really, just texting from the potty when my manager lets me get a 6 minute break. Ok, now that we are up to speed, here is the randall world.

I was eating some american cheese that got burnt on the bottom of the oven when my GF chris told me that only retarded babies lay on the floor. I blewed her a kiss and she farted somewhat near my head. She told me to paint a picture cause it would last longer (foreplay). She is got the voice of a sexual husky and the heavenly wafting aroma of a healty digestive track chok full of cheddar melts. I tell you what sex in the sity, she is something dreams (the good ones without grandpa) are made of. Now I know what you are thinking and, well I have to say, please stop interupting my microphone to computer dictation software. I know, it seems like all I do is wash my underware in the sink and work all day, but to tell you the truth, I have been waiting to get back to you my sweeties. For I know that after a long hard day of spending most of the day hiding in the tube slide (legs get tired from bracing myself against the walls), you my sexy in the sity friends are the thing that helps me to vent.

Well after chris farted and the health inspector was done inspecting the "meat curtains" (dont get it cause there aint no windows) in the freezer with my bestest GF in randalls world, I had the task of scraping theold mice off the glue traps. No problemo though, I found a flat metal handled device near the stove. easy peasy chineasy, done and done.

Eventually, chris and the sweaty inspector came out and all way ok, we didnt get our license revoked. Which is good, cause I need this new job cause I am saving up to geet my dog turnip out of some dog jail called youthanized. I'M COMING FOR YA GIRL!

After intercourse(meal between meal around 10:00am), I decided to take an early lunch. Well sex in the sity, I decided to go get a bag of crunch and munch and a suicide fountain drink at the the local Texaco gas station (It's good to support local business). Well I was coming out of the turcker showers when this rude lady with no teeth and toilet paper hanging out her low cut 501's pushed her baby to the front of the line and was being pretty rude to the f*cking troll behind the counter. Now I know what you are thinking and no i did not steal a gallon of milk, but I just felt like i had to do something. I said "hey lady, look who has your baby". She screamed and threw a charlston chew at my head but it hit my leg and it only cost me 1D6 of damage to my zubazz exoskeleton. NICE TRY LADY! You know I just hate it when people make other people feel less than cuban. That's why i took the baby and ran. I ran so hard and so fast i thought my floppy bunny slippers were gunna catch on fire. I ran across the parking lot and threw the baby in the rear passanger window of a car that was driving away. "Touchdown!" I yelled and high fived a guy washing windows. The lady, faining tears, ran after the car down the street. I thought to my self, "randall, if you were a super hero, and not the kind that can transfer the contents of his bladder into evil villans, but the good kind, than fella, you are closer to being him than ever before.

At this point I pulled up my pants (around ankels) and went to pay for my, as Lynn Rosette O'Casper calls em, fucking homless people food. Mmmmm Mmmm, I couldnt wait to bust open my crunch and munch and take the bus home. But before that, i had to pay. I got back in line and there was another lady that was in front of me. It was so sad, sex in the sity. She was on meth drugs and she had an awful voice that sounded like 100 kittens being burried alive in the crawl space of your house (please remember to spay and nuter your pets). She was returning pop bottles for a few bucks. Instead of buying some food for her baby, or a gallon of half and half, she decided to do the smart thing and buy a lotto ticket. i mean, come on... this lady had her priorities in check. With powerball currently at 250 million, I wish I had a whole wheeled wire basket full of pop bottles so that I could get this lady another 2 dollar ticket/250 million dollar wish. Just so she could get off of meth drugs.

After I paid for my suicide and crunch and munch, borded the bus, and began mindlessly chatting with the pople in the handicapped seats, I thoughted to myself, what if... what if I had a chance to go for something bigger. I know, I stole a baby and threw it into a moving vehicle, but that's pocket changed when compared to wishing upon a star to get off of meth.

On the way home we passed a homeless man after homeless, carrying bags and bags of can. No, not just cans, but can-portunities... can-portunities to leave their tired ways behind and move closer to that setting sun the 9 bus to gresham city center was heading into.

Beautiful People have such hard times in life

Well well well, if it isnt me, randall tuhchie. GREETINGS AOL! I know, you all have been yearning for more randall, but life these days has been hard with my new job at Hardees, GET IT? HARD AT HARDEES? Oh dang, I knewed it made you laff.

Anyway, like I was saying I have been so busy cleaning up potty in the ball pit and rinsing out the rags in the some bucket labeled milkshakes(sp?), but the worst of all has been dealing with the some of the employees? Why is it that only beautiful ladies work at hardees? I mean, I walked in there te first day and I could hardly believe my one non-pink eye. It was like I had died an gone to heavens gate.

Now I know hat you think old randall is a lady charmer, but I have to disagree with that thought only because most women ugly or not whisper things to me like, "hey randall, some kid pooped in the urinal" or "Jesus Randall, use a rag in the urinal." When I try to talk back to them, they walk away or tell me to get out of the bushes and put my hands behind my head and lay on the ground (hard to get).

What's really weird about working at a place with some many beautiful women like hardees is that most of these people want to hang out with me Randall Tuhchie. Take, for instant, the hotty pictured above, Chris. What a looker. and you know what AOL? That lady and I did something that I only imagined my parents doing in the kitchen when I'm hiding in the pantry. She made randall into the man you see type before you. Now it's true that I had others before, but none that knewed a man's body so well. Now i know what your thinking and it's not just some wham bam thank you man thing kind of night... she really likes me too. Which is good cause with all these empty mcdonalds bags around the house, this place could really use a woman's touch. Now, being the gentleman I am, I dont kiss and tell without telling you from the beginning how I caught this sexual trout (slang for "hotty with a body").

Two days ago, I went in for my orientation, learning how to make what my manager calls the perfect "bacon ranch fries", when Chris, who was taking out the old fry grease 55 gallon barrel with one arm asked me if I could open the door for her. Well, before I could even say, "you are so sensual..." she kicked open the back door herself with a steel toed Doc Martin and said ever so sweetly, "you deaf you fucking retard?" I tell you what AOL, shakespear himself couldnt has written cliff notes better. My heart raced and I knewed that this troll face (slang for person who waits under bridges to steal someone's heart. i.e. homeless killer). "Well", I thought to myself, "heaven must be sad tonight cause this angel has certainly taken a rascall down the love elevator and into my heart". For the second I saw her, i knewed she would be mine.

My boss Skippy, some teenage punk who spends most of his time on his nokia blabbing about how he promises his GF that he will remove his work clothes before he gets into bed (as to not transfer the Au Jus smell onto the day bed), was fixing up a mean batch of chili for the chilie cheese burger. Well, he told Chris to "go watch over the new retard" (must be some handicapped to work program), and before I knewed it, Chris was helping me fill the ketchup bottles. Oh man, the way her veiney palms clutched the ketchup squeeze bottles made me thirst for a tall drink of chris. well, AOL, I knew I had only seconds to act, so I remembered what my dad said to me as a you boy and asked Chris on a date. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "how much for a BJ(Beautiful Jaunt, possibly through a park or bowling alley)"? Well, she looked at me, raised a half inch thick eyebrow and said, "meet me after work at your place".

My gosh, my heart raced, for one fleeting second as she turned her thick V-shaped upper torso around I felt a wash over me of complete bliss. It was only rudely interupted by Skippy asking my to go hydrate more onions for the six dollar thick burger. The world might be calling my my hands to work for a $7.40 and hour, but my mind, my body, and my soul were given up to Chris. Beautiful, Beautiful, Chris. She was like a burlap sack of Anacondas, writhing under her yellow and red smock. She had won over my Hardees Thick Burger (slang for heart), for sure.

I watched the clock in anticipation and as soon as 11:00pm, I threw down my tray of burgers to be tured into chilli for tomorrow and ran out the door. Skippy yeled something about being flyered, but i payed no attention to it as I grabbed my BMX bike and raced home.

I had no sooner lit some candels, flushed the toilet, and set up my playststion (resident evil), when the doorbell rang. It was Chris, and boy was she looking hot in her red and yellow smock and ranch french fry perfume.

"mmmm" I said, "I want to serve you on the dollar menu all week."

She giggled, "punch me in the shoulder" (ouch) and walked inside.

We sat on the carpet remnetns as I unpaused resident evil (know all the hidden object) when I went for the gold and tried to smooch her. She tenderly placed a hairy palm on my face and said the sweetest things I have ever heard a woman say to another human, "hey buddy, cash first". I know she makes more than me at Hardees, but I assume she just wanted some cash for gas, like any fine lady would. I opened up my hello kitty wallet and grabbed the six dollars and mountain dew "buy one get one free" cap I had won earlier in the week. Well, my act of kindness must have paid off because not more than 30 seconds after letting out a big sigh, she was showing me something she called her "9 inch clitortise". Well, this is the part, i will leave up to you AOL, but I must say, she really knew how to treat a man.

3 minutes later I didnt have a care in the world, for I knew that Chris (hotty) and my Peach mango snapple were all I needed at that moment.

Then it hit me, i knew I had to ask, "chris", I said, "why is all the beautiful people in the world have such a hard life". She giggled, punched my in the arm (broken) and said, "randall, you got a lot to lean about life".

She was right, i did have a lot to learn. After she drove her 4X4 with gun rack home, I thought to myself, "I do, I do have a lot to learn". I, randall tuhchie do have a lot to learn about life, women, work, and AOL friends. That's where you cme in. As I learn all about life, I am going to share it with love. For now i leave you with Chris' last words to me, "Randall, is that cat dead?"

Aol, i ask you... "is it"?

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie