Down but not Gout

Well well well, if it isn't me ramdall tuhchie. You know I was thinking the other day that with the new sex in the sity 2 or as I like to call it, the reason I keep my hand at the bottom of the popcorn bag in my lap, that I should get back to my sexy in the sity AOL blog. Well, you know what?

Thjis week I was injured like no other time before! IT'S TRUE YOU FUCK FACE ASS HEAD(daddy and mommy's rolled up head rug talk)! This week I was inflicked wiss a thing called gout. Yeah, it is like when your foot get's all big and full of alkohol. Or at least that's what this shit face in a white coat down at the free clinic tol me.

He said, "Randy, the reason why yous has a big foot is cause you drink to much mountain dew code red and alkohol." I told him, "hold the bologna, macaroni, I never mix the two and am know my limits for both... especially when driving a mini van full of kids. SO DONT tell me how to take my wake up medicine". He the said something unimportant about hearts and feet and basically tol me that my foot was fool of alkohol.

"WHOOPIE!", I shouted! Tonight drinks are on me! The doctor was trying to say something about being a tard or my not understanding something or other correctly, but I was too happy and busy kicking over the stacks of marie claire in the waiting room, or as I like to call it (no difference between here and the bus).

The lady at the counter told me I had to pay MY HARD EARNED soda deposit returning money on some pills for something stupid, and I tol her to "kiss my grits, pancake tits"

I think she started crying.

NE-WAyZ(as the AOL hackers like to say(Hacker is a term for someone who asks A/S/L? in the chat rooms and always turn out to be a dude who was kidding about sex chat and really doesnt want to continue NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU EMAIL HIM OR IM HIM OR TELL HIM U LOVE HIM)

So back to the story at hand, Old pancake tits tol me something like, "waaaa waaa waa waaa, and I said, "cheer up bacon butt, You should come over to my party and help crack this beer foot open"

Well she said no, or "go fuck yourself, or "i love you randy" or something like that, but I didnt care cause this beautiful girl some 15 or 12 years of age told me she was interested in coming to my party. I told her, bingo bango, jingo jango, I got the music, we should tango." She asked me, "are you retarded or something?"

I told her, ".............................no."

Then she asked if I had a car, "I tol her that I sold mine a few winters ago (or as I like to call it, the time in which we bring the 50 gallon barrel woodstove inside), but pepper has one and she she could give us a ride back cause she had to see the same doctor as me about her bacterial vaginitus."

We hung out in the parking lot drinking dr pepper and smoking misty 100's that Lucillia stole from her whore mom(term of endearment I suppose). She was all like, my mom is so stupid and, my mom is such a whore, and my mom dont care if I have sex with older men, and stuff like that.

I tol her, Lucilla. You gota love your mom cause it was her buh-gina that pushed you out into this world, and if she was willing to stretch her buh-gina to the point of ripping and NOT use a coat hanger then not matter how much you hated her, you gots to love her.

She said, "yeah, you got a point.... I dont know how, but you got a point"

Pepper eventually showed up and said get in the car, we gotta go. This yeast egg pill they put in my coochie requires me to lay on my back for 2 hours and I'll be dammed if this thing leaks all over the seats before we get home. She then turned to beautiful Lucillia, so ripe with innocence, mysticism ,wonder, and awe and said, "what the fuck is your cousin doing here?"

I said, "Hootie tootie, I gota pootie, I didnt knowed you was my cousin!" Lucillia said, "What, not you aint like me?"

I said Lucilla, we is borned in to different worlds, when I was a kid i watched kids shows like seaseme street, looney toones, and sir-rapes-a-lot, when you was a kid you watched shows like, pokemon, blues clues, and big trouble in little vagina.... wees from different worlds."

She looked at me with wonder abound in her eyes, and said "ramdall, I's glad you is my cousin, cause until today, I neber knewed the meaning of family".

When we got back to the house I tol pepper about my beer foot and how drinks were on me, but we had to figure out how to get it out without hurting my foot. So we got a ladder, put my foot in a bucket of water and closed it part of the way in the freezer. Two hours later I couldnt feel no thing in my foot.

Pepper laffed and said, "you anus face, you get GOUT FROM DRINKING TOO MUCH, It dont mean your foot is filled wiss beer". We laffed and laffed and pushed me around the room on my ice block foot until we eventually had to drive to the free clinic.

After the doctor wrapped my foot in a gauze and tol me to change the rapping every never, we all piled back in the car. Pepper and her vodka up front, Lucilla and I in the back. We cuddled a little cuddle in the back seat, wrapped ourselves in a dog blanket, and drank some mountain dew code red all the way back to her place before dropping her off.

As she got out of the car, I could her her whore of a mom saying something about killing someone with a frying pan. She looked at me, her eyes deep in sadness and longing to be back in the warmth of our dodge aeries, said goodnight, and closed the door.

as we drove away, I turned around one last time to catch a glimpse of Lucilla looking back at us. Pepper, in a low voice said, "letter go randy, letter go".

...We did.

-"thank you for getting to know me over this media"- randall tuhchie

Yoda, Dog Penis, Goodbye Yellow Brick Scrote

Hello again AOL,

I knowed, I knowed. It's been too long my sexy in the sity AOL friends. Sometimes, i think, I should really get back to writing my blog, and other times i think, "... just one more informercial, maybe this next one wont be british." But he makes a good point! I am lazy, you are lazy, we dont like doing the dishes and I hate cleaning up bacon grease.

I knowed, I knowed, you can make all the excuses in the world, but when it comes down to it, you either got it or you dont. Sometimes after a long day of laying at the bottom of the ball pit at the Macky D's (slang for sh!t burger) play palace, breathing out of six bendy straws bent every witch way, and not have a little kiddo step on you in the right place, a feller can get pretty exhausted. I mean you knowed how it is. NOT ONE KIDDO!

Well, sometimes when I think about how long "work" is, and how low I get to feeling, i think of YOU. You are the reason I keep going. When I lay at the bottom of that ball pit, covered red, green, blue, and orange balls, mixed with half eaten cheese burgers and diarrhea, my mind wizzos away to a far away play palace. One where unicorns have human babies and human babies get married to presidents of foreign neighborhoods watch associations. A place where a kid can just be a kid and kiss ANY PERSON, not limited to a "LEGAL AGE". I mean, think about it. For instance, I was always pretty good at maff class back in height-school. So now I am going to lay some linear algebra equations on you. If you think about how old babies are, and how close to not living they were before they was infected with the stuff found in tube socks back in the uberus, and you look how close to death old scrotum faces who buy adult diapers cause they dont like going potty in the toilet or bed LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, then you know that they is pretty much the same thing? AND if no one like to kiss old people and retards except the people in movies, then it just makes sense that there shouldn't be a legal age to kiss babies that ARENT YOURS! NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU RUN TO GET AWAY FROM THE PARENTS THAT ARE CHASING YOU CAUSE YOU ARE CARRYING THEIR BABY. and you shouldnt be arrested by the police for what I like to call "run kissing" with a baby neither. I mean COME ON AMERICA, Do the maff!

You know all this talk about dog penis reminds me of my Uncle Scrote. We called him uncle scrote cause he had the most funniest party trick ever. When we was kids he would lay on the bed, pull down his pants, stretch his scrotum over his belly button, and tell us he was pushing out a old baldy baby! We laffed and laffed! Eventually we got kicked out of mattress world. He was a good uncle, the kind where you could lend him a dollar and the next day he's let you smoke his butts if you didnt tell his wife he stayed home from work. She danced at a club called tubby's. She would always come home, find out that Uncle scrote didnt work, yell at him, and go up to her room to do her kagels. "Screw ping pong balls, one day I will shoot a bowling ball across the room", she would say. What a lady!

I bring up uncle scrote partly because of dog penis, partly because it was through him that I learned how "my precious" life really is and the true meaning of "doesnt every boy who finishes his dinner get desert?". Well, last week we found a note that said he was going to off himself Boner stabone style. Well, the police, or as pepper like to call them, "shit hide the drugs in my ass", called and said they found Uncle Scrote. He was in jail for exposing him self to mynors and using PCP. We'll pepper said, enuf is enuf, Uncle scrote is dead to us.

But I tol her, "WAIT A MINUTE, THE POLICE SAID HE WAS ALIVE, NOW YOU SAY HE'S DEAD?"

Pepper laffed, "no you fuck face retard, he is dead TO US." So there you go, i guess he died after all. This is probably another case of police brusetality.

I'll never forget him. He wased a good man. This reminds me of something someone once said. "Ok randall, now you try and stretch your scrotum over your belly button. Wait while I get my camera." That, and the words of the great prophet, yoda. Who once said, "if you really love something, let it go, and if it comes back... something ...something, dog penis." I think about that and it makes me laff. WHY WOULD A SCROTUM HEAD SAY THAT? Now that is funny! Too bad he wasnt liked as the character french stewart in the hilarious drama, "third rock from the sun".

Uncle Scrote, you will be misseded,






"thank you fo getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie