Thjis week I was injured like no other time before! IT'S TRUE YOU FUCK FACE ASS HEAD(daddy and mommy's rolled up head rug talk)! This week I was inflicked wiss a thing called gout. Yeah, it is like when your foot get's all big and full of alkohol. Or at least that's what this shit face in a white coat down at the free clinic tol me.
He said, "Randy, the reason why yous has a big foot is cause you drink to much mountain dew code red and alkohol." I told him, "hold the bologna, macaroni, I never mix the two and am know my limits for both... especially when driving a mini van full of kids. SO DONT tell me how to take my wake up medicine". He the said something unimportant about hearts and feet and basically tol me that my foot was fool of alkohol.
"WHOOPIE!", I shouted! Tonight drinks are on me! The doctor was trying to say something about being a tard or my not understanding something or other correctly, but I was too happy and busy kicking over the stacks of marie claire in the waiting room, or as I like to call it (no difference between here and the bus).
The lady at the counter told me I had to pay MY HARD EARNED soda deposit returning money on some pills for something stupid, and I tol her to "kiss my grits, pancake tits"
I think she started crying.
NE-WAyZ(as the AOL hackers like to say(Hacker is a term for someone who asks A/S/L? in the chat rooms and always turn out to be a dude who was kidding about sex chat and really doesnt want to continue NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU EMAIL HIM OR IM HIM OR TELL HIM U LOVE HIM)
So back to the story at hand, Old pancake tits tol me something like, "waaaa waaa waa waaa, and I said, "cheer up bacon butt, You should come over to my party and help crack this beer foot open"
Well she said no, or "go fuck yourself, or "i love you randy" or something like that, but I didnt care cause this beautiful girl some 15 or 12 years of age told me she was interested in coming to my party. I told her, bingo bango, jingo jango, I got the music, we should tango." She asked me, "are you retarded or something?"
I told her, ".............................no."
Then she asked if I had a car, "I tol her that I sold mine a few winters ago (or as I like to call it, the time in which we bring the 50 gallon barrel woodstove inside), but pepper has one and she she could give us a ride back cause she had to see the same doctor as me about her bacterial vaginitus."
We hung out in the parking lot drinking dr pepper and smoking misty 100's that Lucillia stole from her whore mom(term of endearment I suppose). She was all like, my mom is so stupid and, my mom is such a whore, and my mom dont care if I have sex with older men, and stuff like that.
I tol her, Lucilla. You gota love your mom cause it was her buh-gina that pushed you out into this world, and if she was willing to stretch her buh-gina to the point of ripping and NOT use a coat hanger then not matter how much you hated her, you gots to love her.
She said, "yeah, you got a point.... I dont know how, but you got a point"
Pepper eventually showed up and said get in the car, we gotta go. This yeast egg pill they put in my coochie requires me to lay on my back for 2 hours and I'll be dammed if this thing leaks all over the seats before we get home. She then turned to beautiful Lucillia, so ripe with innocence, mysticism ,wonder, and awe and said, "what the fuck is your cousin doing here?"
I said, "Hootie tootie, I gota pootie, I didnt knowed you was my cousin!" Lucillia said, "What, not you aint like me?"
I said Lucilla, we is borned in to different worlds, when I was a kid i watched kids shows like seaseme street, looney toones, and sir-rapes-a-lot, when you was a kid you watched shows like, pokemon, blues clues, and big trouble in little vagina.... wees from different worlds."
She looked at me with wonder abound in her eyes, and said "ramdall, I's glad you is my cousin, cause until today, I neber knewed the meaning of family".
When we got back to the house I tol pepper about my beer foot and how drinks were on me, but we had to figure out how to get it out without hurting my foot. So we got a ladder, put my foot in a bucket of water and closed it part of the way in the freezer. Two hours later I couldnt feel no thing in my foot.
Pepper laffed and said, "you anus face, you get GOUT FROM DRINKING TOO MUCH, It dont mean your foot is filled wiss beer". We laffed and laffed and pushed me around the room on my ice block foot until we eventually had to drive to the free clinic.
After the doctor wrapped my foot in a gauze and tol me to change the rapping every never, we all piled back in the car. Pepper and her vodka up front, Lucilla and I in the back. We cuddled a little cuddle in the back seat, wrapped ourselves in a dog blanket, and drank some mountain dew code red all the way back to her place before dropping her off.
As she got out of the car, I could her her whore of a mom saying something about killing someone with a frying pan. She looked at me, her eyes deep in sadness and longing to be back in the warmth of our dodge aeries, said goodnight, and closed the door.
as we drove away, I turned around one last time to catch a glimpse of Lucilla looking back at us. Pepper, in a low voice said, "letter go randy, letter go".
...We did.
-"thank you for getting to know me over this media"- randall tuhchie
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