Where have I been and FALL FASHION GUIDE!!!!!

Well hello AOL. I know I know I know, you are mad at me. You are like, randall, you fucking retard, why the hell havent you called me on the internet webpage you update, and I am like SHUT THE F*CK UP DAD. Well, to answer your question, I have been so sad lately. A few weeks ago, chris (hotty with a body, drinks a lotty, and breaks the toilet in my house when she goes potty) and I broke up. Well, I assume it's for the best beause she was was getting to controling like, "we're you following me home last night" and " randall, we are not dating, I am a prosthetic". You know the old saying, "women, cant live with them, so cut a hole in the wall and watch em". Anyway, after the break up I got all depressed, didnt eat nothing, then ate too much. I gained a bunch of weight and lost it the next moringing when I went pee. The real kicked was seeing her at hardees hitting on pedro the guy who works the counter. Man, I'd like to punch that SH*THEAD in his pretty face. OH, IM THE HARDEES BEST EMPLOYEE AND I HAVE THE LEAST STAINED UNIFORM, SO NATURALY I GET TO WORK THE COUNTER AND HIT ON ALL THE HOT PREGNANT MOMS THAT COME IN FOR CHEDDAR MELTS TO GO. I mean, why does chris have to make out with him in from of me? She will kiss him and get finger banged (slang for thumb wrestle) RIGHT IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS! Well, it's ok, I knewed I had to move on, so I decided I would leave the appropriate and professional way. Which, is a good thing cause if it werent for Pepper getting me a job at Target, I dont think I would have been able to explain the draino bomb that went off in the womens potty on my last day. Thank god for managers who dont check references.

So now I have been working at target. WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT! I stock the dairy section and pull a few shifts a week stocking diapers and fatty pregnant ladies pants. I must say, it seems like the sky is the limit with target! Plus, I get to eat all the hot dogs, soda and popcorn they throw out at the end of the night! Yeah, they never lock the dumpsters.

So that's where I have been, if you must keep fucking asking me. I've been the same randall, who despite hardships, keeps looking to the starz for inspiration. With that, I present Randall Tuhchie's FALL FASHION GUIDE.

1. Muffin tops are so not in right now. Keep sucking down that pepsi untill you reach bread loaf tops.

2. Ladies, ladies, ladies, how many times has this happened to you? You get all hot and heavy with a guy and you want to change your underware after a steamy dry humping session? When you go to take a serious dump in the shitter, the guy walks in and sees your granny panties all wadded up in the sink? Old underware can create a sagging look in your sweatpants. Donate those GPs to a local charity, like goodwill, volunteers of america, or a funny dog video you record and post to youtube.

3. Socks and sandals are a serious no-no unless you are legless and you use both as a conversation piece.

4. One of the toughest challanges is slimming the torso while supporting a larger chest. This is an especially sensitive topic and should be handled on a case by case basis. Send pictures of your chest to me, randall tuhcie, as well as a description of what the perfect first date scenario might be.

5. Kindness never goes out of fashion. With that, would you kindly move your fucking stroller out of the way, as I need to order my god damn burrito and get back to my netflicks instant play.

6. Dogs are great and compliment personalities. However, you should note that dogs arent just fashion accesories, they are sole mates and friends for life... especially for older single lesbians with no chance of reproducing anytime soon.

7. As the seasons change around this time, remember that just because the air might have a slight chill to it doesnt mean that you have to start wearing more clothes and hang up those booty shorts just yet. It does however, mean you'll have to stop visiting the childrens ward at St. Judes.

8. Health is just as important as fashion these days, and staying fit is one of the most fashionable things you can do for yourself. Cut down to only three quarts of Dreyers Double churn a night and say hello to a new you.

9. Every girl needs a bag! just make sure you carry alkohol in one when on the street, you can get a ticket if you dont. been there done that.

10. Remember that the most important fashion tip is knowledge. Books can make anyone seem way sexier. Nothing says sexy like someone reading a copy of Big Bouncys hidden behind "the grapes of wrath".

Well AOL, thanks for understanding my abscence. I hoped you will take my fall fashion advice and stop being a fatty uggo face!

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie