Parenting tips from a guy who knows kids.

Hello AOL,

In this day in age, I see so many kids walking up and down the street past my house and I think to myself, dang, who is these kids parents? Now I know what you are thinking my fellow best friends, "but randall, does a guy like you even have children?" Well, to be honest, no, unless something happened as a result of the seamen flinging incident. HOWEVER UNTILL ANY PATERNITY TEST COMES IN I DONT HAVE NO KID. This is certainly not to say that one day I dont want to have possesion of some shildren of my own. What man does not want to snuggle on a flowery bedspread thrown over a boxspring with a kid and have him and her give you kisses on the lips? ANSWER ME THAT AOL!

Coming from a great family in which my mom and dad are still together after my mom croaked, I have learned a few things about managing kids the hard and fun way. What I hope will come of this is that you see that I can be a good dad and you will let me babysit your kids when you go on your fancy pants vacation to some mexican resort. I have references. In addition to, if I can pass on what I have learned as a youngin to even expecting parents (please go away) I will finally feel like I have made up for the boise incident.

So, without further ado, I present you you, "Parenting tips from a guy who knows kids"

1. It's often usefull to reinforce positive behavior with treats like ice cream and a towel in front of the house, and to break negative behaviors by using the age old addage, "you gunna cry like a girl? you gunna dress like a girl!"

2. Kids can be messy eaters. Lord knows I was. Dont get upset here and loose your temper. Throw the fucking food on the floor and scream "EAT IT YOU PIG, EAT IT"!

3. Kids can understand a lot from not only what we say, but what you do. So if you are doing something inappropriate in front of the television late at night, put a blanket over you lap and tell them you have a very excited bunny in your shorts. When they ask where the bunny is the following morning, tell them it died cause you little shits kept it up all night.

4. If both parents decide it's okay to get a couple of male prostitues (makes marriage stronger), put a childrens video on the tv like the wiggles, blues clues, or vagaina monalogs, really loud and tell them not to call the cops again if mommy starts to scream.

5. Dinner time is a very important meal in which most information about childrens lives are expressed in a group setting. This is incredibly important and can help parents to truley stay connected with their childrens lives. Tell them to shut the fuck up cause daddy cant hear what the arby's lady is reading back to him.

I know, short and sweet, but hey, I believe these five tips helped me to become the man you see before you. So thanks mom(dead) and dad for helping me to become a great dad, and a great blogger!

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie