Randall's Birthday Recap.

Hello America On Line, stop calling me you fucking pervert (learned that new greeting today). It's me again, Randall Tuhchie. Well, today is August 7th and that means that August 6th was Randall's 37th anniversary of being squeezed out my mom's(dead) v-word. Normally, I am content to sit on the floor and watch Mr. Magoo staring Leslie Neilson, but this last birthday was unlike any I had before.

It all started so fast. One second I was standing in my cutoffs and rollerblades on the corner of 185th and Prescott, eating a bologna and string cheese sandwich just minding my own business. Well the next thing I know a man in a snowmobile suit with a plastic bag over his head falls down in front of me. Being the good Samoan I am, I quickly picked him up and carried him to my bed. I said to him, "this is my chance world, I am going to nurse this man back to health." Well, when I went to go get my breast pump from the closet, low and behold, pepper jumped out and the man with the plastic bag over his head turned out to be friend acorn. I thought the inner thigh birthmark looked familiar. After acorn regained consiousness, pepper and him plus my kitty radish (in heat) sang happy birday then told me they were going to take me out for a night on the town (Lower east side of Gresham). And no america online, the suprises didnt stop there. Pepper had a bag she stole from forever 21 and inside it was a thong, some make up and some knee socks. "Well, well, well", I thoughted to myself, "I better put on my rockports, cause if I am going to be drinking sudafed and vodka slurpies all night, I need all the ankle support I can get."

Pepper decided to drive cause she has the highest tolerence and she has the only car with a babyseat. So it was Pepper and her baby up front, and the two of us in the back. In addition to her tolerence, pepper has a prostetic arm she stole from her kids father when he was drunk and puking in a urinal at the dirty duck. If she gets really intoxicated, she just wedges the arms between the steering wheel and the arm rest, and presto chango, she can drive in a straight line again. While it's good to know your limits America On line, it's best to have a back up plan.

Acorn was huffing gas in the car, so I dont remember much of that ride due to second hand huff, but we cracked the window for the baby. When we arrived I fell out of the car and somehow made it into some club called the ace. That place was a dump, holes in the walls everywhere. Eventually we decided to take off, but when pepper was in a room with some guys she met, I guess she lost her keys. No problem tough, she had a spare set in the glovebox. We just had to cokes the baby into crawling onto the power locks switch. Pepper smooshed a boob over the driverside window, and I told the baby some encouraging things like, "go get some milk you fucking retard". When she finally landed a doughnut and pepsi covered paw on the powerlocks, I threw the gas can out of the way and we were off.

We stopped off at the gas station for a refill and some more slurpie. Acorn went to use the bathroom and ended up wedging himself between the toilet and the stall wall so we put a sign on his passed out body and that said, "I aint staring, I just sleep with my eyes and mouth open. dont mind if you dont."

The second bar we went to was a highschool dance. Pepper and some kid we picked up at the gas station were getting sweaty in the back seat, so I headed in alone. I wasn't dancing for more than a few seconds before I realized everyone was in awe of my sexy, one man slow dance. Before lone the principle came up to me and very cutely asked me what the fuck in god's name I thought I was doing. Seeing that he was turned on by my moves, I threw my arms around him and we danced all the way to the front entrance. As he wapped his muscular arms around my neck and burried my face in his love handle, I couldt help but think things were moving too fast. Well AOL, like all good things they come to an end. He must have been drunk because he was daddy upset and punched me in the jaw. Aw, the good ones are always the ones that push you away into the street.

Feeling sore, my make up running, and my thong with fake penis now torn, we decided to call it a night. Pepper wedged the arm in place slammed on the gas, and once again we were off. What a night, like any other birthday before. I got to hang out with some good friends, masturbated in front of some kids, met a really nice man, and for once in a very long time I had a great birthday.

Before we headed home, we made one final stop at the gas station to get acorn, pull up his pants (must like to sleep with his butt exposed) and threw in in the car.

Back home, pepper and acorn spooned on the carpet remnants and whispered quietly about the amazing night they had. I, laying on my boxspring, eyes agaze at the stary night shinning through my kitchen window, thought of the loving man I met tonight, and slowly inhaled his wild musk (icy hot) still lingering on my forearms.

My eyes grewed heavy, stars faded to glistining streaks, and before long icy hot and I were together again, slow dancing to "Hello Beautiful", kissing with our mouths... in front of shadowy, giggling figures.

randall