Ask Randall (*Updated August 12th)

Hello my fellow AOLers,
It's me, you favorite Blogger Randall Tuhchie. You know what? Everday I open my AOL gmail and am amazed at the tens of questions I get everyday from people all over the ethercord. Well, I am here to tell you that I, randall harry tuhchie, am here to answer you're questions. All you have to do is simply submit your questions via AOL gmail to me randall (dot) tuhchie (at) gmail (dot) com and I will get to your questions as soon as I can.
I know what you are thinking, "Hey randall, nice sweater you fucking creep." Well let me tell you that I have had many years of experience of cort ordered therapy and other miscellaneous supervised counseling sessions. As a patient, I have learned all the tricks of the trade and I can weasel out of any situation. Please note that in all honestly there is nothing you can tell me that will weird me out, or make me call the cops under any circumstances. My only request is that you treat me this way too.
Lastly, I want to mention that it it also important to note that your submissions are completely disguised, you name given an acronym that describes your situation, and you name will not be revealed at anytime... unless it is something funny like you farted and burped at the same time (a golden apple) or fell asleep during Schindlers list. classic comedy. TOO MUCH HOOCH AND NATURES MIRACLE (full of natural enzymes), BEEN THERE DONE THAT!
So thank you in advance,

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" - ask randall tuhchie

Mary Roberston of 1672 NE Glammen St, Portland OR 97211 wrote:

"hey randy,

GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE A FUCKING INSANE CREEP AND IF YOU DONT STOP EMAILING AND CALLING ME, MY BOYFRIEND IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU"

Most Anxious Reply Yearns Repeatedly On Beating Ears, Randall, Thou Sexual O' Nightingale

M.A.R.Y.R.O.B.E.R.T.S.O.N.,

Let me first start by calming your actions of being thrust into rage. Do you often experience these notions of anger? Have you ever drawn a pee pee with the use of alpha numeric characters? 8=====D~~~ yes, I see.
What you are experiencing is something that we all go through. It's perfectly normal. While one might think of oneself as in between two worlds, the good you and the bad you, I like to tell people to think of themselves as the sort of garden of all different vegetables. You know? It's sort of fun to imagine. Over here we have a little rutabaga, over here we have a little Elvis Costello, and over here we have some baby clothes. You see what I mean?
Now I noticed in your question, you mentioned "my boyfriend". "My boyfriend". What does that phrase mean to you? Let me see if I can help illuminate on this subject. In your question you keep saying "my boyfriend" so much, it makes my my head start to stare at your beautiful, beautiful feet. Let's look at the relationship of just that sentence. Do you feel like there is some ownership here? Do you feel like you are the one in control of the relationship? How well do you Nicholas Hokly of 4338 NE 35th Ave, Portland OR http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=4338+NE+35th+Ave,+Portland,+OR&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=40.681389,67.763672&ie=UTF8&ll=45.554343,-122.628622&spn=0.008805,0.016544&t=h&z=16&iwloc=A&layer=c&cbll=45.554252,-122.628643&panoid=jQ3bu_20W-1l-Ezg7kV3zg&cbp=12,89.25,,0,7.57 Good enough to know that he's no good to you? Good enough to know that he flirst with other women at his place of work? Good enough to KNOW THAT THE F*CKING A**HOLE KEEPS PUSHING ME DOWN AND KEEPS SAYING TO ME THAT I WANT TO EAT HIS BUGGERS!!!! WELL, I DONT WANT TO AND I HATE YOU NICK! I HATE YOU! YOU AINT NO GOOD FOR MARY!

Does that help? Thanks so much. Oh no, I only accept payment before the counseling session.

Randall

"Hey Randall,

This is Jim from work. I know you just started here at Hardees, and I want to be square with you by saying that no one is accusing you of anything. However, upon leaving the employee break room yesterday, a fellow employee noticed that here were some very inappropriate web pages left on the employee computer. While it is ok to use the computer during employee break time, I want to remind you that we abide by an employee conduct code that forbids the viewing of this material on company time. Does that sound ok? I hope so. Thanks randall, see you tomorrow."

Cant Understand Managers Speak On Company Knowledge

Dear C.U.M.S.O.C.K.

What you bring up is no new topic to the world of manager/employee relations, infact many people find themselves in this situation everyday. Lets first start of by addressing your need to blame other for the things you obviously did. What kind of sick f*ck does this? As a professional counselor, I can honestly say you need to stop looking at horse porn at work. Does that help? I hope so.

Randall

"Randy,

did you pee in the icecube tray again? I hates it when you do that. You know I need to fill up my water bottle with ice cubes. I dont wanna never drink your pee again? OKAY?"

Person Eagerly Posts Personal Email, Randall

P.E.P.P.E.R.

My apologies for not getting to this email earlier. Would you like to come over to my house for dinner and watch "dating in the Dark"? All entrees will be gluten, dairy, egg, rice, sulfate, and glutamate free. After the meal there will be an honesty circle, followed by a healing dance (wear something light and flowing). Breakaway co-counseling sessions will start at seven.

This is a shoeless event,
Namaste.

(* Updated August 12th)

Randall.

You ever seent a man die?

Lady.troubles

Thank you for the AOL gmail lady.troubles,

I have never seen a man die, but I have made love to a "real" woman. I imagine it may be the same thing. Does that help? I hope it does.

thanks for the letter,

randall

Well folks, that is all for today, feel free to AOL gmail me and have your question posted on ask randall.

august 6th

Randall's Birthday Recap.

Hello America On Line, stop calling me you fucking pervert (learned that new greeting today). It's me again, Randall Tuhchie. Well, today is August 7th and that means that August 6th was Randall's 37th anniversary of being squeezed out my mom's(dead) v-word. Normally, I am content to sit on the floor and watch Mr. Magoo staring Leslie Neilson, but this last birthday was unlike any I had before.

It all started so fast. One second I was standing in my cutoffs and rollerblades on the corner of 185th and Prescott, eating a bologna and string cheese sandwich just minding my own business. Well the next thing I know a man in a snowmobile suit with a plastic bag over his head falls down in front of me. Being the good Samoan I am, I quickly picked him up and carried him to my bed. I said to him, "this is my chance world, I am going to nurse this man back to health." Well, when I went to go get my breast pump from the closet, low and behold, pepper jumped out and the man with the plastic bag over his head turned out to be friend acorn. I thought the inner thigh birthmark looked familiar. After acorn regained consiousness, pepper and him plus my kitty radish (in heat) sang happy birday then told me they were going to take me out for a night on the town (Lower east side of Gresham). And no america online, the suprises didnt stop there. Pepper had a bag she stole from forever 21 and inside it was a thong, some make up and some knee socks. "Well, well, well", I thoughted to myself, "I better put on my rockports, cause if I am going to be drinking sudafed and vodka slurpies all night, I need all the ankle support I can get."

Pepper decided to drive cause she has the highest tolerence and she has the only car with a babyseat. So it was Pepper and her baby up front, and the two of us in the back. In addition to her tolerence, pepper has a prostetic arm she stole from her kids father when he was drunk and puking in a urinal at the dirty duck. If she gets really intoxicated, she just wedges the arms between the steering wheel and the arm rest, and presto chango, she can drive in a straight line again. While it's good to know your limits America On line, it's best to have a back up plan.

Acorn was huffing gas in the car, so I dont remember much of that ride due to second hand huff, but we cracked the window for the baby. When we arrived I fell out of the car and somehow made it into some club called the ace. That place was a dump, holes in the walls everywhere. Eventually we decided to take off, but when pepper was in a room with some guys she met, I guess she lost her keys. No problem tough, she had a spare set in the glovebox. We just had to cokes the baby into crawling onto the power locks switch. Pepper smooshed a boob over the driverside window, and I told the baby some encouraging things like, "go get some milk you fucking retard". When she finally landed a doughnut and pepsi covered paw on the powerlocks, I threw the gas can out of the way and we were off.

We stopped off at the gas station for a refill and some more slurpie. Acorn went to use the bathroom and ended up wedging himself between the toilet and the stall wall so we put a sign on his passed out body and that said, "I aint staring, I just sleep with my eyes and mouth open. dont mind if you dont."

The second bar we went to was a highschool dance. Pepper and some kid we picked up at the gas station were getting sweaty in the back seat, so I headed in alone. I wasn't dancing for more than a few seconds before I realized everyone was in awe of my sexy, one man slow dance. Before lone the principle came up to me and very cutely asked me what the fuck in god's name I thought I was doing. Seeing that he was turned on by my moves, I threw my arms around him and we danced all the way to the front entrance. As he wapped his muscular arms around my neck and burried my face in his love handle, I couldt help but think things were moving too fast. Well AOL, like all good things they come to an end. He must have been drunk because he was daddy upset and punched me in the jaw. Aw, the good ones are always the ones that push you away into the street.

Feeling sore, my make up running, and my thong with fake penis now torn, we decided to call it a night. Pepper wedged the arm in place slammed on the gas, and once again we were off. What a night, like any other birthday before. I got to hang out with some good friends, masturbated in front of some kids, met a really nice man, and for once in a very long time I had a great birthday.

Before we headed home, we made one final stop at the gas station to get acorn, pull up his pants (must like to sleep with his butt exposed) and threw in in the car.

Back home, pepper and acorn spooned on the carpet remnants and whispered quietly about the amazing night they had. I, laying on my boxspring, eyes agaze at the stary night shinning through my kitchen window, thought of the loving man I met tonight, and slowly inhaled his wild musk (icy hot) still lingering on my forearms.

My eyes grewed heavy, stars faded to glistining streaks, and before long icy hot and I were together again, slow dancing to "Hello Beautiful", kissing with our mouths... in front of shadowy, giggling figures.

randall

Iceberg Lettuce (Michael Jackson and John Merrick)

Cabbage (bridget bardot)

Corn silk hair (Augra)

Artichoke (daddy)

Cayenne Pepper (if you love me, you will make love to me right here, right now)

Cabbage (toothy girl)

Cabbage 2 (electric boogaloo)

Elephant Foot Yam (enjoys car talk)

Kohlrabi face (viagra breath)

Lebanese Cucumber (prefers snorks over smurfs)

Hubbard Squash (thinking about pie)

New Zealand Spinach (corn tooth)

Seakale Hair (Luggage Face)

Asparagus fingers (crypt keeper stand in)

Vidalia Sweet Onion (yeast infection)

Spring Onions (new boobs, same necklace. WTF girlfiend?)

Tatsoi (Kirk Cameron farted)

pumkin tumor (pumkin tumor)

Mange Tout (Lights farts on sundays)

Olive nipples (enjoys rollerblading)

Tomatillo (bologna eyelids)

Mizuna greens (still doesnt own iphone)

Lagos Bologi (wheat grass enema at night)

Lizard's tail (bread loaf sized potty)

Velvet bean (fat elvis)

Japanese Bunching Onions (cant swim)

Parenting tips from a guy who knows kids.

Hello AOL,

In this day in age, I see so many kids walking up and down the street past my house and I think to myself, dang, who is these kids parents? Now I know what you are thinking my fellow best friends, "but randall, does a guy like you even have children?" Well, to be honest, no, unless something happened as a result of the seamen flinging incident. HOWEVER UNTILL ANY PATERNITY TEST COMES IN I DONT HAVE NO KID. This is certainly not to say that one day I dont want to have possesion of some shildren of my own. What man does not want to snuggle on a flowery bedspread thrown over a boxspring with a kid and have him and her give you kisses on the lips? ANSWER ME THAT AOL!

Coming from a great family in which my mom and dad are still together after my mom croaked, I have learned a few things about managing kids the hard and fun way. What I hope will come of this is that you see that I can be a good dad and you will let me babysit your kids when you go on your fancy pants vacation to some mexican resort. I have references. In addition to, if I can pass on what I have learned as a youngin to even expecting parents (please go away) I will finally feel like I have made up for the boise incident.

So, without further ado, I present you you, "Parenting tips from a guy who knows kids"

1. It's often usefull to reinforce positive behavior with treats like ice cream and a towel in front of the house, and to break negative behaviors by using the age old addage, "you gunna cry like a girl? you gunna dress like a girl!"

2. Kids can be messy eaters. Lord knows I was. Dont get upset here and loose your temper. Throw the fucking food on the floor and scream "EAT IT YOU PIG, EAT IT"!

3. Kids can understand a lot from not only what we say, but what you do. So if you are doing something inappropriate in front of the television late at night, put a blanket over you lap and tell them you have a very excited bunny in your shorts. When they ask where the bunny is the following morning, tell them it died cause you little shits kept it up all night.

4. If both parents decide it's okay to get a couple of male prostitues (makes marriage stronger), put a childrens video on the tv like the wiggles, blues clues, or vagaina monalogs, really loud and tell them not to call the cops again if mommy starts to scream.

5. Dinner time is a very important meal in which most information about childrens lives are expressed in a group setting. This is incredibly important and can help parents to truley stay connected with their childrens lives. Tell them to shut the fuck up cause daddy cant hear what the arby's lady is reading back to him.

I know, short and sweet, but hey, I believe these five tips helped me to become the man you see before you. So thanks mom(dead) and dad for helping me to become a great dad, and a great blogger!

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Few things for sale

Well it's me again, your freind Randall.

It has come to my attention that I have to sell a few things that have been building up inside my house. It's funny how fast people collect things you know? Been here only a few months now and the amount of things I have collected has made it impossible for me or my kitties to move around in. Last week, I knew I had a problem when I accidentally sat on the toilet that wasnt hooked up. Not a problem though, Just put some newspaper over it can called it done. It's not to say that I havent tried to clean it before. I called merry maids and the lady who came over introduced herself as Dios Mio. Very lovely traditional mexican name. She was a very nice lady, but she had a horrible work ethic and kept trying to go for the door. I said to her, "Hold up Dios Mio, you havent even touched the potty yet". I think her friend Ayuda showed up cause she hit me with in the head with a plunger and kept scraming for Ayuda (must be deaf) before she hopped out the bathroom window. Well, it's a good thing I didnt pay her cause she only contributed to the mess by leaving all of her cleaning stuff and purse here. So, if you are reading his Dios Mio, please come get your cleaning stuff. Also, dont bother getting your tampons cause i was testing to see how much fruit punch they would absorb out of my juice box. Please by another brand as these things clearly dont hold much ecto-cooler.

Oh yeah AOL, almost forgot. here is a list of things for sale.

One Stove(slightly used). It currently has a spatula melted to the burner, but the spatula does tranfsfer heat quite nicely. Put burger on it and the fat naturally drains off the sloped surface onto the floor.

One bicycle, if I can get around to finding it. Has new wheels, currently missing in house.

One cat, name is radish. Nice cat, does not like to be looked at. Perfect for toddlers or other people with little hands.

Every New York times newspaper from 1955 to present.

cheeseburger

1 high powered vaccume. Currently does not work due to dust buster crammed in hose.

Salad bar from wendys. Took it when they were remodeling, will throw in sterno for extra charge. You haul, will not send through mail, man in kenya. STOP EMAILIN ME YOU FU**ING IDIOT. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH POSTAGE IS?

1 toaster. only works if you place bread in it, and place toaster in 350 degree oven.

4 left shoes. Buy for your one legged friends.

plus a whole lot more, most of which is infested with something called termites(sp?).

That is all for now. email me if you are interested in any of the listed.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Lets get healthy peple

Well, it's meagain, randall.

Since the cort ordered my dog turnip be taken away because of her obesity problem, and that the judge said I have to undergo a serious mental evaluation that includes both health and physical fitness counseling, I have decided to share a few things that I have taught mysel from not taking notes in the class. But before i do, please allow me to rant a little bit cause I think it is unfair not to feed a dog bryers double churn. I mean come on, if the dog didnt want it, it would just go drink out of his water dish, which is filled with mountain dew halo edition. I know i am a bad owner, I ran out of red bull and code red last week. Why does the animal cort feel it is necessary to come out to my property and take away the things that make me and turnip happy. Oh well, I guess I can always turn turnips dog bed into a guest bed.

So on with the show, right AOL?

Aside from the boners I drew in my Lisa Frank note book, here are some things i jotted down in order to make that EFFING B*TCH shut her fat face so I could get my certificate of completed course.

1. Milk should be stored in the fridge, and not in back of toilet.

2. Ignore, picture of boner

3. make at least one meal a day not include pizza

4. vegetables are for gays

5. Dog food is not fit for human or baby consumption, people food should not be given to dogs.

6. it is not okay to milk a dog

7. Only puppies should drink dog milk.

B. (eight key is broken) The guy next to me smells like salami.

9. He does not like to be called Sal Lami

10. free feeding for dogs can often lead to obesity. Rightly so, slicing a bag of kibbles and bits, kicking it over and saying "here boy" is unsanitary and cruel.

Well AOL, I am so glad to be able to pass the mind torche over to you my good friends. I have to sign off now as my niece pepper wants to use the phone to call her boyfriend and I also have to go "wash" some "dishes" in preperation for tomorrows "dinner" of beeferoni and snickers.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

wake up world, randall is the new sherrif on this blog town site

Hello,

my nam is randall tuhchie. I have been meaning to start a blog now for a while ever since my niece pepper showed me how to sign on to AOL. Once I figured out how to distract the cops when they were searching my hard-drive (only sign on to neighbors computer when away at work), I had my first taste of getting to know people. Now instead of only being asked "what smells like cheese?" or "sir, will you please put that away?" peope from all over AOL want to get to know me because they they want get to know a fellow "blogger" who is a nice guy. So that's me randall tuhchie.

My hope from this blog is to eventually get one of those adds that pops up and asks you if you want a masters degree for a nominal fee so I can help pay for my stray cat collection. Other than that, it would be nice to meet some ladies. I had to pick up everything from the last town i moved from (undisclosed location) and now I live here in Portland, Oregon (pronounced ORGAN). Anyway, I get lonely from time to time and meeting a nice girl with a funny sense of humor and "real"money in the bank would be nice. I am a really sweet and sensitive man who has something call chronic hally-toe-sis (Doctor speak for some medicine call a tic-tacs) 1.79 FOR MY PILLS IS A RIP! SICKOS! Like I said, I am a very sweet and understanding man. PLEASE NO FATTIES OR UGGO FACES. thank you very much.

Other than that, please enjoy my blog.

"Thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie