Parenting tips from a guy who knows kids.

Hello AOL,

In this day in age, I see so many kids walking up and down the street past my house and I think to myself, dang, who is these kids parents? Now I know what you are thinking my fellow best friends, "but randall, does a guy like you even have children?" Well, to be honest, no, unless something happened as a result of the seamen flinging incident. HOWEVER UNTILL ANY PATERNITY TEST COMES IN I DONT HAVE NO KID. This is certainly not to say that one day I dont want to have possesion of some shildren of my own. What man does not want to snuggle on a flowery bedspread thrown over a boxspring with a kid and have him and her give you kisses on the lips? ANSWER ME THAT AOL!

Coming from a great family in which my mom and dad are still together after my mom croaked, I have learned a few things about managing kids the hard and fun way. What I hope will come of this is that you see that I can be a good dad and you will let me babysit your kids when you go on your fancy pants vacation to some mexican resort. I have references. In addition to, if I can pass on what I have learned as a youngin to even expecting parents (please go away) I will finally feel like I have made up for the boise incident.

So, without further ado, I present you you, "Parenting tips from a guy who knows kids"

1. It's often usefull to reinforce positive behavior with treats like ice cream and a towel in front of the house, and to break negative behaviors by using the age old addage, "you gunna cry like a girl? you gunna dress like a girl!"

2. Kids can be messy eaters. Lord knows I was. Dont get upset here and loose your temper. Throw the fucking food on the floor and scream "EAT IT YOU PIG, EAT IT"!

3. Kids can understand a lot from not only what we say, but what you do. So if you are doing something inappropriate in front of the television late at night, put a blanket over you lap and tell them you have a very excited bunny in your shorts. When they ask where the bunny is the following morning, tell them it died cause you little shits kept it up all night.

4. If both parents decide it's okay to get a couple of male prostitues (makes marriage stronger), put a childrens video on the tv like the wiggles, blues clues, or vagaina monalogs, really loud and tell them not to call the cops again if mommy starts to scream.

5. Dinner time is a very important meal in which most information about childrens lives are expressed in a group setting. This is incredibly important and can help parents to truley stay connected with their childrens lives. Tell them to shut the fuck up cause daddy cant hear what the arby's lady is reading back to him.

I know, short and sweet, but hey, I believe these five tips helped me to become the man you see before you. So thanks mom(dead) and dad for helping me to become a great dad, and a great blogger!

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Few things for sale

Well it's me again, your freind Randall.

It has come to my attention that I have to sell a few things that have been building up inside my house. It's funny how fast people collect things you know? Been here only a few months now and the amount of things I have collected has made it impossible for me or my kitties to move around in. Last week, I knew I had a problem when I accidentally sat on the toilet that wasnt hooked up. Not a problem though, Just put some newspaper over it can called it done. It's not to say that I havent tried to clean it before. I called merry maids and the lady who came over introduced herself as Dios Mio. Very lovely traditional mexican name. She was a very nice lady, but she had a horrible work ethic and kept trying to go for the door. I said to her, "Hold up Dios Mio, you havent even touched the potty yet". I think her friend Ayuda showed up cause she hit me with in the head with a plunger and kept scraming for Ayuda (must be deaf) before she hopped out the bathroom window. Well, it's a good thing I didnt pay her cause she only contributed to the mess by leaving all of her cleaning stuff and purse here. So, if you are reading his Dios Mio, please come get your cleaning stuff. Also, dont bother getting your tampons cause i was testing to see how much fruit punch they would absorb out of my juice box. Please by another brand as these things clearly dont hold much ecto-cooler.

Oh yeah AOL, almost forgot. here is a list of things for sale.

One Stove(slightly used). It currently has a spatula melted to the burner, but the spatula does tranfsfer heat quite nicely. Put burger on it and the fat naturally drains off the sloped surface onto the floor.

One bicycle, if I can get around to finding it. Has new wheels, currently missing in house.

One cat, name is radish. Nice cat, does not like to be looked at. Perfect for toddlers or other people with little hands.

Every New York times newspaper from 1955 to present.

cheeseburger

1 high powered vaccume. Currently does not work due to dust buster crammed in hose.

Salad bar from wendys. Took it when they were remodeling, will throw in sterno for extra charge. You haul, will not send through mail, man in kenya. STOP EMAILIN ME YOU FU**ING IDIOT. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH POSTAGE IS?

1 toaster. only works if you place bread in it, and place toaster in 350 degree oven.

4 left shoes. Buy for your one legged friends.

plus a whole lot more, most of which is infested with something called termites(sp?).

That is all for now. email me if you are interested in any of the listed.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

Lets get healthy peple

Well, it's meagain, randall.

Since the cort ordered my dog turnip be taken away because of her obesity problem, and that the judge said I have to undergo a serious mental evaluation that includes both health and physical fitness counseling, I have decided to share a few things that I have taught mysel from not taking notes in the class. But before i do, please allow me to rant a little bit cause I think it is unfair not to feed a dog bryers double churn. I mean come on, if the dog didnt want it, it would just go drink out of his water dish, which is filled with mountain dew halo edition. I know i am a bad owner, I ran out of red bull and code red last week. Why does the animal cort feel it is necessary to come out to my property and take away the things that make me and turnip happy. Oh well, I guess I can always turn turnips dog bed into a guest bed.

So on with the show, right AOL?

Aside from the boners I drew in my Lisa Frank note book, here are some things i jotted down in order to make that EFFING B*TCH shut her fat face so I could get my certificate of completed course.

1. Milk should be stored in the fridge, and not in back of toilet.

2. Ignore, picture of boner

3. make at least one meal a day not include pizza

4. vegetables are for gays

5. Dog food is not fit for human or baby consumption, people food should not be given to dogs.

6. it is not okay to milk a dog

7. Only puppies should drink dog milk.

B. (eight key is broken) The guy next to me smells like salami.

9. He does not like to be called Sal Lami

10. free feeding for dogs can often lead to obesity. Rightly so, slicing a bag of kibbles and bits, kicking it over and saying "here boy" is unsanitary and cruel.

Well AOL, I am so glad to be able to pass the mind torche over to you my good friends. I have to sign off now as my niece pepper wants to use the phone to call her boyfriend and I also have to go "wash" some "dishes" in preperation for tomorrows "dinner" of beeferoni and snickers.

"thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

wake up world, randall is the new sherrif on this blog town site

Hello,

my nam is randall tuhchie. I have been meaning to start a blog now for a while ever since my niece pepper showed me how to sign on to AOL. Once I figured out how to distract the cops when they were searching my hard-drive (only sign on to neighbors computer when away at work), I had my first taste of getting to know people. Now instead of only being asked "what smells like cheese?" or "sir, will you please put that away?" peope from all over AOL want to get to know me because they they want get to know a fellow "blogger" who is a nice guy. So that's me randall tuhchie.

My hope from this blog is to eventually get one of those adds that pops up and asks you if you want a masters degree for a nominal fee so I can help pay for my stray cat collection. Other than that, it would be nice to meet some ladies. I had to pick up everything from the last town i moved from (undisclosed location) and now I live here in Portland, Oregon (pronounced ORGAN). Anyway, I get lonely from time to time and meeting a nice girl with a funny sense of humor and "real"money in the bank would be nice. I am a really sweet and sensitive man who has something call chronic hally-toe-sis (Doctor speak for some medicine call a tic-tacs) 1.79 FOR MY PILLS IS A RIP! SICKOS! Like I said, I am a very sweet and understanding man. PLEASE NO FATTIES OR UGGO FACES. thank you very much.

Other than that, please enjoy my blog.

"Thank you for getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie