To the grabuating summer school class of two-throusand tren

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Down but not Gout

Well well well, if it isn't me ramdall tuhchie. You know I was thinking the other day that with the new sex in the sity 2 or as I like to call it, the reason I keep my hand at the bottom of the popcorn bag in my lap, that I should get back to my sexy in the sity AOL blog. Well, you know what?

Thjis week I was injured like no other time before! IT'S TRUE YOU FUCK FACE ASS HEAD(daddy and mommy's rolled up head rug talk)! This week I was inflicked wiss a thing called gout. Yeah, it is like when your foot get's all big and full of alkohol. Or at least that's what this shit face in a white coat down at the free clinic tol me.

He said, "Randy, the reason why yous has a big foot is cause you drink to much mountain dew code red and alkohol." I told him, "hold the bologna, macaroni, I never mix the two and am know my limits for both... especially when driving a mini van full of kids. SO DONT tell me how to take my wake up medicine". He the said something unimportant about hearts and feet and basically tol me that my foot was fool of alkohol.

"WHOOPIE!", I shouted! Tonight drinks are on me! The doctor was trying to say something about being a tard or my not understanding something or other correctly, but I was too happy and busy kicking over the stacks of marie claire in the waiting room, or as I like to call it (no difference between here and the bus).

The lady at the counter told me I had to pay MY HARD EARNED soda deposit returning money on some pills for something stupid, and I tol her to "kiss my grits, pancake tits"

I think she started crying.

NE-WAyZ(as the AOL hackers like to say(Hacker is a term for someone who asks A/S/L? in the chat rooms and always turn out to be a dude who was kidding about sex chat and really doesnt want to continue NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU EMAIL HIM OR IM HIM OR TELL HIM U LOVE HIM)

So back to the story at hand, Old pancake tits tol me something like, "waaaa waaa waa waaa, and I said, "cheer up bacon butt, You should come over to my party and help crack this beer foot open"

Well she said no, or "go fuck yourself, or "i love you randy" or something like that, but I didnt care cause this beautiful girl some 15 or 12 years of age told me she was interested in coming to my party. I told her, bingo bango, jingo jango, I got the music, we should tango." She asked me, "are you retarded or something?"

I told her, ".............................no."

Then she asked if I had a car, "I tol her that I sold mine a few winters ago (or as I like to call it, the time in which we bring the 50 gallon barrel woodstove inside), but pepper has one and she she could give us a ride back cause she had to see the same doctor as me about her bacterial vaginitus."

We hung out in the parking lot drinking dr pepper and smoking misty 100's that Lucillia stole from her whore mom(term of endearment I suppose). She was all like, my mom is so stupid and, my mom is such a whore, and my mom dont care if I have sex with older men, and stuff like that.

I tol her, Lucilla. You gota love your mom cause it was her buh-gina that pushed you out into this world, and if she was willing to stretch her buh-gina to the point of ripping and NOT use a coat hanger then not matter how much you hated her, you gots to love her.

She said, "yeah, you got a point.... I dont know how, but you got a point"

Pepper eventually showed up and said get in the car, we gotta go. This yeast egg pill they put in my coochie requires me to lay on my back for 2 hours and I'll be dammed if this thing leaks all over the seats before we get home. She then turned to beautiful Lucillia, so ripe with innocence, mysticism ,wonder, and awe and said, "what the fuck is your cousin doing here?"

I said, "Hootie tootie, I gota pootie, I didnt knowed you was my cousin!" Lucillia said, "What, not you aint like me?"

I said Lucilla, we is borned in to different worlds, when I was a kid i watched kids shows like seaseme street, looney toones, and sir-rapes-a-lot, when you was a kid you watched shows like, pokemon, blues clues, and big trouble in little vagina.... wees from different worlds."

She looked at me with wonder abound in her eyes, and said "ramdall, I's glad you is my cousin, cause until today, I neber knewed the meaning of family".

When we got back to the house I tol pepper about my beer foot and how drinks were on me, but we had to figure out how to get it out without hurting my foot. So we got a ladder, put my foot in a bucket of water and closed it part of the way in the freezer. Two hours later I couldnt feel no thing in my foot.

Pepper laffed and said, "you anus face, you get GOUT FROM DRINKING TOO MUCH, It dont mean your foot is filled wiss beer". We laffed and laffed and pushed me around the room on my ice block foot until we eventually had to drive to the free clinic.

After the doctor wrapped my foot in a gauze and tol me to change the rapping every never, we all piled back in the car. Pepper and her vodka up front, Lucilla and I in the back. We cuddled a little cuddle in the back seat, wrapped ourselves in a dog blanket, and drank some mountain dew code red all the way back to her place before dropping her off.

As she got out of the car, I could her her whore of a mom saying something about killing someone with a frying pan. She looked at me, her eyes deep in sadness and longing to be back in the warmth of our dodge aeries, said goodnight, and closed the door.

as we drove away, I turned around one last time to catch a glimpse of Lucilla looking back at us. Pepper, in a low voice said, "letter go randy, letter go".

...We did.

-"thank you for getting to know me over this media"- randall tuhchie

Yoda, Dog Penis, Goodbye Yellow Brick Scrote

Hello again AOL,

I knowed, I knowed. It's been too long my sexy in the sity AOL friends. Sometimes, i think, I should really get back to writing my blog, and other times i think, "... just one more informercial, maybe this next one wont be british." But he makes a good point! I am lazy, you are lazy, we dont like doing the dishes and I hate cleaning up bacon grease.

I knowed, I knowed, you can make all the excuses in the world, but when it comes down to it, you either got it or you dont. Sometimes after a long day of laying at the bottom of the ball pit at the Macky D's (slang for sh!t burger) play palace, breathing out of six bendy straws bent every witch way, and not have a little kiddo step on you in the right place, a feller can get pretty exhausted. I mean you knowed how it is. NOT ONE KIDDO!

Well, sometimes when I think about how long "work" is, and how low I get to feeling, i think of YOU. You are the reason I keep going. When I lay at the bottom of that ball pit, covered red, green, blue, and orange balls, mixed with half eaten cheese burgers and diarrhea, my mind wizzos away to a far away play palace. One where unicorns have human babies and human babies get married to presidents of foreign neighborhoods watch associations. A place where a kid can just be a kid and kiss ANY PERSON, not limited to a "LEGAL AGE". I mean, think about it. For instance, I was always pretty good at maff class back in height-school. So now I am going to lay some linear algebra equations on you. If you think about how old babies are, and how close to not living they were before they was infected with the stuff found in tube socks back in the uberus, and you look how close to death old scrotum faces who buy adult diapers cause they dont like going potty in the toilet or bed LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, then you know that they is pretty much the same thing? AND if no one like to kiss old people and retards except the people in movies, then it just makes sense that there shouldn't be a legal age to kiss babies that ARENT YOURS! NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU RUN TO GET AWAY FROM THE PARENTS THAT ARE CHASING YOU CAUSE YOU ARE CARRYING THEIR BABY. and you shouldnt be arrested by the police for what I like to call "run kissing" with a baby neither. I mean COME ON AMERICA, Do the maff!

You know all this talk about dog penis reminds me of my Uncle Scrote. We called him uncle scrote cause he had the most funniest party trick ever. When we was kids he would lay on the bed, pull down his pants, stretch his scrotum over his belly button, and tell us he was pushing out a old baldy baby! We laffed and laffed! Eventually we got kicked out of mattress world. He was a good uncle, the kind where you could lend him a dollar and the next day he's let you smoke his butts if you didnt tell his wife he stayed home from work. She danced at a club called tubby's. She would always come home, find out that Uncle scrote didnt work, yell at him, and go up to her room to do her kagels. "Screw ping pong balls, one day I will shoot a bowling ball across the room", she would say. What a lady!

I bring up uncle scrote partly because of dog penis, partly because it was through him that I learned how "my precious" life really is and the true meaning of "doesnt every boy who finishes his dinner get desert?". Well, last week we found a note that said he was going to off himself Boner stabone style. Well, the police, or as pepper like to call them, "shit hide the drugs in my ass", called and said they found Uncle Scrote. He was in jail for exposing him self to mynors and using PCP. We'll pepper said, enuf is enuf, Uncle scrote is dead to us.

But I tol her, "WAIT A MINUTE, THE POLICE SAID HE WAS ALIVE, NOW YOU SAY HE'S DEAD?"

Pepper laffed, "no you fuck face retard, he is dead TO US." So there you go, i guess he died after all. This is probably another case of police brusetality.

I'll never forget him. He wased a good man. This reminds me of something someone once said. "Ok randall, now you try and stretch your scrotum over your belly button. Wait while I get my camera." That, and the words of the great prophet, yoda. Who once said, "if you really love something, let it go, and if it comes back... something ...something, dog penis." I think about that and it makes me laff. WHY WOULD A SCROTUM HEAD SAY THAT? Now that is funny! Too bad he wasnt liked as the character french stewart in the hilarious drama, "third rock from the sun".

Uncle Scrote, you will be misseded,






"thank you fo getting to know me over this media" -randall tuhchie

This house aint a home, unless it's condemned

Why hello there AOL,

It's me, Ramdall Tuhchie, your favoritest F@CKING PERVERT (what female sexual rentals you find in the back of the newspaper call you when you tell them to describe going potty in a cup). You know, sometimes when I am not thinking about the toilet hole (the non-potty-run-on-the-floor model, but a REAL hooked up one) is sorta like a doctor in that they both take away the bad things in life like potty and daddy love punches, then I am often wondering about this fascinating world in which we all live. And if you are like me, and look at the world through the particular lenses that I look through (tansitions stuck in sorta sunny mode), then you wonder why things in the world just dont make sense.

Let me diveded in a little further on what I mean. I have been thinking a lot about where I am in life, and where I plan to be when I am old and Goodwill smelly. I was bent over and leaning against the toilet (not the one where you wash your pee pee and brush your teeth but the low to the floor one), when the plumber started shoving his snake down the hole. He kept shoving and shoving it, all the while twisting and turning his knob, sweating and wiping his brow when he said, "ok, I hit something". He made a joke about how he wished his snake was this long, but I personally am offended by jokes about sex, and I didnt get it. I laffed and said "ha ha ha, buhginas are sooooooooooooo smelly". He must have thought my joke was so funny cause he tapped me on the shoulder, said "ok buddy, whatever you say" and let out a huge groan as he yanked his snake out of the toilet.

"ARRRRRGGGGGGGG

HMMMMMM

HEEEEEEEEEEEE

ALL... MOST... GOTIT........

HERE IT COMES......

......

..

....

....

....

..

...

..

...

Mmmmmmmmuuuuuhhhhh AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

huh huh huh huh huh... huhOLY SHIT MAN? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" he yelled.

Tears poured out my eye holes, it was my kitty radish!!!! “Oh radish, you F@CKING SH!TFACE(term of endearment), pepper said you raned away!” Well, pepper is a liar. All this time, I put up posters all around town saying “looking for a good pussy, call pepper” and only asthmatics kept calling. All this time, pepper knewed where she was.

The plumber looked at me and said, “Sir, as it stands now, this house should be condemned”.

I looked at him with big tears in my eye holes and said, “This House? THIS HOUSE? No, No, No, Sir… this HOME should be condemned.”

“Thank you for getting to know me over this media” - Randall Tuhchie

Vote Nes on Measure 66/67

Hello Aol,

well well well, if it isnt your favoritist pal randall tuhchie. You know, a lot of people have been wondering where i have been lately. They say things like, "hey randall, stop eating out of the recycling bin", or "credit or debit mr. randall? Do you want me to sex you right here on this counter?" Well, you know, I get busy from time to time, AND I CANT ALWAYS F&$KING BLOG ABOUT THINGS OKAY?

Like the other day when I was ringing out the plastic man snakes in peppers trashcan for help with her her employer sex scandall, or as she calls it "That fetal alcohol syndrom looking assfuck shoulda gave me a raise". I mean, AOL, I was thinking, "dang this is so important, that i gots to write it down on my AOL blog." We'll, like always, one thing lead to another and before you know it, I was laying in bed with pepper, smoking a homosexual (term for cigarette). We'll I couldnt just leave my cousin right then and there in her most tender of moments. So, while my randall brain thought I should rip off the "sega genesis presents ecco the dolphin" promotional blanket, body randall knewed better than to leave pepper.

So, there you have it AOL, to answer your question, I guess I prefer to cut a larger hole in my whitey tighties to make it easier to peep peep with my pants still on.

Anyway, I was thinking, I have been meaning to get back to my sex and the sity AOL friends. You know, if you are like me and watch tv practically every moment of your life (cept for those days when I am hiding from the landlord), then you probabbly noticed how much sex and violence are on tv. And if you you arent cleaning the kleenex off the floor and washing your hands when the sex and violence ends, you might notice these things called comercials. Well, in a cap-of-the-list society we really wants people to buy things like easy choppo's for garlic, baldo spray for the hairless, and amigo scooters for retards and fatties. So sometimes during a "comerical break" there will be abatisements for these things. Sometimes they are funny, and sometimes they are sad, and sometimes they make me confused like "So much for the mexicans stealing all of our good jobs (apple picker and dishwasher at applebees), NOW I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT GECKO'S?" We'll just the other day I sawed an abertisement to vote yes on Measurement 66 and 67. I thoughts "well when my neighbors ballot comes in the mail, I'll be sure to do that".

But then out of the blue, on my way to the drop off the just birthen puppies at the Humane Society, I sawed a sign that said, vote no on measure 66/67. SO NOW I WASED REALLY CONFUSED!

Now lets be honest, both sides of this politickle debate have some really good points. On one side of the KOIN news 6 you have a sad looking child, and on the other, you have a fat hand taking monolopy monies out of a wallet. Both is really good points, I mean on one hand, you gota a sad kid... no kid deservers to not be kissed and told "come one sugar lips lets wrestle under the bed. PIN ME! PIN ME!", and on the other hand no one should take monies out of anyone else's wallet unless they need to buy a super soaker really really bad cause wallmart is having a end-o-summer sale. WHAT F@CKTARD WOULDNT BUY ONE? I stewed it in my randall brain for a long time, and just couldnt come up with answer to this politickle debate.

So I decided to do some investigating. I went to the local library and asked the sweet and kind bag of fucking wrinkles at the circumsizelation desk to "help me with my measurement". We'll low and behold she should have got the librarian of the year award because before I knewed it, 2 police officers were pinning me on the floor and told me to "spead em". I thought, "what a good idea! too long had I rationalized my thoughts into two completely opposing arguments. I needed to spead my ideas out and decide not into "yes" and "no", but to nes and yo... to get a real feel of the middleground."

Well after the cutey Officer pant-lump (term of endearment meaning for muscular in the groin region) let me walk on account of the jail being over-crowed, or as he liked to call it, "pedo's walk free", I decided to take his advice to heart and destroy all evidence I had in the portland strangler case. After that I decided to get a real feel as to how it would effected REAL people. So I grabbed my amigo scooter and super soaker (filled with strawberry and robotussin smoothie from my magic bullet food processor) and hit the streets.

The first person I asked was a homeless man who kept trying to offer me a sock soaked in gas. I said no thank you, I already have two man snake puppets wadded up next to my computer. So I asked him, how are you voting on measurement 66/67. He said, "JeSUS was a crumple-stiltskin" and preceeded to urinate while falling over. Interesting pointsetta. I wrote it down and moved along.

I decided I needed to get a wealthy persons point of view so the next person I interviewed was a older man voltroning a young woman in a bathroom marked, "city consell". Upon asking him about measure 66/67, he replied, "What the, GET THE FUCK... UHHHHHHHHH!" Again, a good point.

Lastly, I decided to hear the voice of the middleclass, so I hit the subarbs and searched for a regular joe 24 fridge pack (cube shaped). There he was at least, toolbox in hand, coming out of his car and walking into his house. As I stood there with his wife and daughters underpants on my head, he hardly let me utter the words, "What do you think of measure 66/67" before he screamed his politickle opinion "YOUR GUNNA DIE YOU FUCKING PERVERT!"

I couldnt believed it, here it was... all the time... the answer to what middle america had to say, "you are going to die you fucking pervert." If this measurment doesnt pass, we will all die, each and every fucking pervert in america.

As me was beating me unconsiously with the back of a stud-finder, I knewed right then and there which way I should vote. I had done my research and admidst all the abertisements and all the hulla-baloon with kids looking sad and fatty hands taking moneis outa wallets, I had come to the answer Oregon Needed. So as my blood soaked hand clutched the mini-golf pencil I stole from put-put game and golf, I cast my vote... "JeSUS was a crumple-stiltskin"

-"thank you for getting to know over this media" -randall tuhchie